Houston we have a problem

Have you ever done something so horrifically mortifying that you feel like it was a dream? No... not feel. Hope. you hope and pray to GOD that it was a dream? I did that not too long ago.

I know I'm an awkward, weird person. But I'm comfortable with my level of awkward/ weirdness. The was a level beyond me, like I don't even know how in the world I achieved this. It's really amazing, actually. 

So a while back, there was this guy named Houston. He started working at the movie theater and I had a crush on him. But I was smart and said, "No, Chelsy. Don't do it. you work with him." Plus, I didn't think he was interested. Let's see. I learned the lesson about not dating guys I work with and not dating guys that co-workers set me up with... That just leaves Lesson number 3: Don't date people you used to work with. My pool of fish is getting awfully small...

So a while after quitting the theater, I went to dinner with a good friend that still worked there. We got on the subject of Houston. Long story short, she told me he was actually planning on asking me out before I quit. Needless to say, I freaked out. I had been repressing my feelings for him for so long and to find out that he might have them in return? I was freaking out. So... I texted him that night.

I was getting a little sick and I was super tired. Anyone that knows me well knows that the two things that make me the weirdest are being tired and being sick. Put them together, and I turn into this... complete psycho. Like it's ridiculous. 

We start off with the normal stuff. he said something really funny about going to nursing school because he really likes giving people sponge baths. I laughed too hard and posted a status about it on facebook.... and then we get to the really bad part. 

"Can I tell you a secret without you getting weird?"

"I guess so..."

"Okay well get ready because this is coming from way out in left field. Like you won't be expecting it."

"Okay..."

and then I said THE STUPIDEST THING EVER. It was supposed to be funny. But it was the least funny thing I think I've ever said. And I've said some pretty un-funny things. I said, 

"I'm a lesbian." and then I waited in agony for him to reply. and it took him like four minutes... 

"Oh. That's cool." Oh my gosh. I internally face palmed. Do you know what the internal version of a face palm is? A brain skull. I brain skulled from the stupidity. 

"Hahaha I'm just kidding. But I did have a crush on you the whole time we worked together."

"Oh... that's cool." ... Oh Chelsy... what have you done, my friend? This was so awkward. I could feel my toes curling and my eyebrows squishing together. Maybe I'm the only person that does that when I feel awkward but it's an involuntary response that my body has. Like it's trying to protect itself from the awkwardness. It's kind of happening right now, actually, even just remembering this. 

"Haha yeah... so if you ever want to, you know... hang out or anything let me know! Cause I think you're a really cool guy."

"Yeah totally."

"Okay... just let me know when you're free."

and we never talked again.

I wish. 

Tonight, actually, I went to Harkins to pick some stuff up from a former co-worker. I chatted things up with a group of managers and team members. Houston was somehow brought up and I said, "Remember how that one time I was trying to tell Houston I liked him, but I told him I was a lesbian instead? and then Miss Hayley said, "Remember how that one time he told me about that?" and then T-rez (I really hope she reads this so she sees her awesome nickname) said, "Remember how he told me about that too?" I wanted to die. It was ridiculous.

and we never spoke about it again.

I wish.

A couple minutes later, who should come sauntering up? But Houston. and of course the T-rez and Hayley call him over just because awkward things are so funny. so he walks up and the look on his face. oh my goodness. You could just tell that the last thing he wanted to do was walk up and talk to me. So he says something and T-rez told him he was  a liar and I said, "Yeah, Houston! You're the biggest liar ever! Remember when you told these guys that I said I was a lesbian? What? Where did that come from? Lesbians." Super funny? right? wrong. Not funny. Of course my girls backed me up with some laughter. But he looked like he wanted to die. "Yeah... I'm going on break." He said before walking away. 

And we never talked again.

I wish

The story just keeps going. It's like a horrible nightmare that never ends. 

I ended up texting him because I can't stand the idea of people not liking me. so I said, "I am so sorry! hahaha I know you think I'm super weird. and I should just leave it alone, but I feel bad. haha" ugh my toes are curling again. This is awful. I sent him another text right after that said, "I don't know how to fix this. haha" Because I don't. and I can't. The only way to fix it is to build a time machine and go back and never say anything to him ever. 

But everything happens for a reason. It's not meant to be. and If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had such a lovely conversation with Hayley, T-rez and Riri. So life is good. 

Moral of this story... Take my phone away if I'm feeling remotely sleepy or sniffle-y. and For the love of Gravy, if I'm feeling a combination of the two, save yourself the trouble and throw it in the pool. 

Bests and Worsts of 2011

As the year is coming to an end, I’ve been reminiscing a lot about the year and some of the best and worst times. It’s been a difficult task because I’ve trained myself to forget about painful experiences just after I’ve told all my friends, family, and random strangers that I could…

But I’ve taken the time to sit back and list a bunch of bests and worsts. Here they are.

Best idea: starting this blog. It’s been really fun for me to write out all my angst and it even helps me to forgive those jerks.

Worst idea: joining E-harmony. Seriously, unless you’re 36 and living with a bunch of cats, this website is not for you. Stop being lazy, put on your best outfit- wear it 9 days in a row if you want to as long as the same people don’t see you in it, and get dates!! Just be confident in who you are and have a good sense of humor and guys will come flocking to you.

Biggest disappointment: That the above didn’t work.

Biggest achievement:  Learning to be the bigger person. No seriously, I gained thirty pounds.

Best goal I accomplished: Getting a new job and quitting Harkins.

Goal I didn’t accomplish: The above job wasn’t marriage.

Best date: There’s still twenty more days to have a good one…

Worst date: “You need to lose weight” need I say more?

Best kiss: pouring rain under a blanket in front of a fire. No, it really happened.

Worst kiss: Too much slobber.

Best “first”: Acting in a college play.

Worst “first”: Spitting in someone’s face for said play.

Best moment: Watching Harry at midnight with good friends.

Worst moment: Realizing that I would never read another series as good as Harry Potter.

Next year: I look forward to a lot of good things next year. Unlike last year, I’m not going to expect to be married or have kids or even be engaged or dating anyone. Next year is all about bettering myself and becoming who I want to be. And I’m starting today. Yeah, I only went to sacrament meeting today and I got Wendy’s afterwards, but baby steps. I’ll get there. We all will. So this is my recommitment to me. I’m going to get through this and ever so slowly, my unattainable ideas may just turn into attainable ones. Thanks for reading, everyone. 

Jeff

I guess I can tell you about Jeff. I’m really relying on you guys not to judge me. I’ve done some really stupid stuff, but I think we all have at one time or another. So here’s the story of Jeff.

My senior year of high school, I got super sick. I felt gross all the time. I never wore makeup, stuck my hair in a messy bun and sweats were a staple in my wardrobe. I would sometimes venture out of the house to go to the grocery store or get gas. On one of these occasions, I met Jeff.

He was the gas station guy at Fry’s. He obviously loved his job. He was always walking around talking to people and laughing and smiling at them. He was real big on high fives and handshakes. For all the men and old people, it was a handshake. For all the women and children, it was a high five. He was a nice guy.

I was attracted to him from the moment I saw him. He was a little on the short side, but taller than me. He was physically fit and wore square rimmed glasses. He was a hipster before it was cool. I know the way I’m describing him, it sounds like he was somewhere around 18-21. Nah. He was 32. Just twice my age at the time. No big deal…

The first time we met was one of those nights where I decided to venture out of the house with my good friend Daniela. She started getting gas and I sat in the car with the door open. And that’s when I saw Jeff. He walked right up to us and said, “Hello Ladies! How are you doing tonight?”

We both smiled- Daniela did her awkward This-guy-is-a-weirdo-get-me-out-of-this-situation smile (Yes it’s a specific smile and I’ve seen it on many occasions) and turned back to pumping gas. I have a bad habit of being too friendly so I said hello and we struck up a conversation. He put his hand on the car and leaned in close to talk to me. He told me how beautiful he thought I was. I explained how ill I was and had been for the past several months and asked if he was usually attracted to pale, shaky girls with dark circles under their eyes and brittle hair that fell out at the lightest touch. He just laughed and told me my beauty couldn’t be dulled by even that. And I was hooked.

I started going to that gas station whenever I needed gas. Even if I didn’t really need gas but wanted to pretend to get some. And I always got dressed up. I would throw on my cutest outfit and attempt to style my hair so that I could cover up the bald spots. Whenever I came over the first words out of his mouth were always, “Hello beautiful!” I loved the attention. I was beginning to get addicted to it. I decided that I would take it to the next level.

The next time I went to get gas, I took my wing woman Deven with me. If you remember, Deven is the girl that I get in the most trouble with. We always manage to do something stupid when we’re together. I didn’t know just how stupid this was until after it all played out…

When we got there, I handed Deven my gas money and a crumpled receipt from walmart with my digits on it. (Did saying digits make me sound cooler? Cause in my mind, I sounded like a high male college freshman.) She walked it up to him and explained that it was from me. About a minute later, as I was trying to get my shaky hands to fit the nozel in my car, Jeff came striding over.

“You beautiful sweet heart. Was that number from you?”

“Ha yeah.” I laughed, getting embarrassed.

“I am so flattered. Thank you so much!” and then he kissed me on the cheek. I was dazed for a second. “You come back soon now and see me, okay?”

“hmhmhmkay” I smiled goofily.

When we got home and I was done freaking out, Deven and I were sitting on our beds discussing what had happened when I got a phone call from an unknown number. I answered and it was Jeff on the other end.

“Chelsy, baby, It’s Jeff. Listen. I am so flattered that you gave me your number, but sweetheart, I’m married.”

“You’re married?!?! Oh my goodness I am so sorry! Forget I even gave you my number. How embarrassing. I’m sorry!”

“Baby, baby, baby. It’s fine. Really. I’m flattered. Don’t be embarrassed. We can still be friends, right?”

“No, of course we can!” Yeah. An 18 year old girl can be friends with a 32 year old married man, right? Wrong. So very, very wrong.

We talked for a couple more minutes before hanging up. Deven and I died laughing as soon as I was off the phone. A couple minutes later, I got a text from him. He asked for a picture, so I sent him one thinking, “Yeah. It’s just for his caller ID. No big deal, right? Wrong. Big deal. Don’t give married men pictures.   About 12 minutes later, he texted me again for a “sexy picture showing a little more skin” I wrote the word “sexy” on my arm in green marker and took a picture of it. He acted like he thought it was funny, but I know what he was really thinking.

The next day, Deven and I got all dressed up to go “job hunting” we really just got dressed up to go get gas. We stopped inside Fry’s first to get a couple things.  When we were in the checkout line when I asked the cashier, “Do you know if Jeff is here today?” She looked me up and down and said, “Yeah. He’s here. Are you his wife?” “Uhm… no. Just a… friend.” I said tripping over my words. And then I got that look… The look I hope none of you ever receive. I got the You’re-a-dirty-ho-that’s-trying-to-break-up-a-marriage look. I felt awful. And I was about to feel more awful.

As soon as I got out of my car to start getting gas, Jeff walked right up to me, grabbed my face and kissed me full on the lips. I was dazed. I didn’t know what to do. I had always dreamed of being kissed like that- Just to be taken in someone’s arms and kissed spontaneously… but he was married. Married. Cheating is not an okay thing and that was what I was doing. I was having an affair with a married man kind of. My palms were getting sweaty. I didn’t like what I was feeling at all. He pecked my cheek and told me he would be over as soon as he helped out a couple people.

I sat on the trunk of my car and crossed my legs. I looked at Deven she looked back at me. She smiled mischeiviously and gave me the thumbs up. I shook my head and pointed at my left ring finger. Married, remember? She waved that little fact off. But I couldn’t. I felt tortured inside. True to his word, Jeff came back before my car was done filling up. He uncrossed my legs and moved in between them to kiss me one more time on the face. We talked for a minute because I still didn’t know what to do. 

As soon as I got home, I sent him a text that said, “Listen, I really like you, but I’m not going to help you cheat on your wife.” Not the best choice of words, but it was the truth. He replied,

“Baby baby baby if that’s what you think was going on here, that’s not it at all. We’re just friendly friends giving friendly kisses.”  Yeah. I make out with all my friends. It’s totally normal. Right.

So I said, “That can be what you think this is, but I am not comfortable with this at all”

And that was kind of the end of that. I didn’t really talk to him anymore and I started going back to AMPM for my gas. It was out of the way, but it was cheaper. And since I’m not into super old Indian men with long, white beards and turbans, I think it’s safe to say I wasn’t giving my number out to any married gas station workers.

I know what you’re thinking. Wow, Chelsy. How can you have no respect for the most sacred thing in the universe? You’re an awful person.  I thought the same thing for a long time. But I’m not like that anymore. I’ve learned my lesson and I’m not going down that road again. And once again, while I’m not proud of it, I don’t regret it because I learned a valuable lesson from it. So that’s the story of Jeff. 

Green Ice Cream

Gotta love the Holidays. Lately I've been trying to stay in touch with my dad. Keep him updated on my life and such. I'm starting to think that might not be such a good idea. When I told him about Jack, he warned me that the guys I was going for were too old and I shouldn't be going after these guys. What he doesn't understand is that it's not me going for them. I go for what ever goes at me. I'm like a lioness that has been starving for three weeks. I'll chase just about anything that wanders into my path. Is this healthy? No. am I being respectful to myself? No. but beggars can't be choosers.

Which makes me wonder- if I stopped begging, could I be more choosy? That's probably the point. and I think I'm slowly learning that. But anyway, back to my dad. I called him right after my date expecting him to get angry and tell me how ridiculous that guy was and how he would kick his but all the way to Nicaragua or somewhere like that if he ever saw him. You know what he said? He said, "good." Good? Really dad? Your daughter was just publicly humiliated. I was flabbergasted. "Good? You really think that's a good thing?" Then he said, "No, I'm just glad you didn't have a good time because you shouldn't be dating such old guys. You need to date people your own age." Once again, I would love to date guys my own age. Next time you meet a 22-25 year old with a college degree that loves dogs and Chinese food and rain and hockey and music and... me... you let me know. (That's just the perfect guy... that's all.)

Anyway, back to the holidays. My aunt had Thanksgiving at her house, like always, and I was loving being around all my family. They're better than your family. I'm just going to throw that out there. Even though we're in our twenties, all of the cousins are still banished to the "kid table" Our cool Aunt Becky used to sit with us, but she out grew us when she got a boyfriend. But she still makes her "green ice cream" every year, so it's okay. Just to clarify, it isn't really ice cream. no one really knows what's in it, but it's the greatest thing ever and knowing the ingredients would just ruin the magic of it all. 

Believe it or not, this blog post was not meant to be all about my dad and green ice cream, but that's what it has turned into. Back to what I was previously talking about, I was getting ready to go and I had gone around and kissed everyone good bye, I over heard my dad talking to my Grammy in the kitchen. He said, "Chelsy has a problem with being attracted to older men. You need to talk to her about that." First of all Dad, if you want someone to talk to me about something, do it yourself. Second of all, do you really have to bring that up in front of the entire family? Thanks for that. I was humiliated. With the look on my grandma's face, you would have thought my dad had said I was attracted to serial killers and child molesters. I just denied everything, said it wasn't a big deal and left.  Luckily he waited to say something until I was about to leave. It wasn't a good thing.

I really am grateful for my family. All of them. My blood family and my many foster families. They've all been wonderful and given me so much love through the years. I'm grateful for all the men that have come in and out of my life, because I've learned something from every single one of them even if it was as simple as, "he's a jerk and I don't deserve to be treated like that." and I'm grateful for everyone that reads this sorry blog. It makes me feel better that I can share my stories with people and maybe make someone feel like they aren't the only one with a skeezy boyfriend. 

Jack

Another Eharmony failure. This was the date I was so excited about. First of all, let me just tell you what went into getting ready for this date. This was the process. As soon as I got out of work, I raced home to begin my primping process.
1. Biore nose strip. I definitely forgot how painful those things are. But worth it. No more blackheads!!
2. Juniper mint face mask.
3. Shaved legs. (Haven't done that in a while.)
4. Clean, wet hair.
5. Clean, dry hair.
6. Straightened hair.
7. Teased hair.
8. Styled hair.
9. Make up.
10. New clothes.
11. Painted nails
12. Perfume.
13. Frantic pacing in front of the front door waiting for him to show up.

So after three hours of getting ready, I was finally ready to go. I worked really hard to get everything perfect and I was feeling pretty confident. I was really excited and couldn't wait to meet him. He was like twenty minutes late which usually isn't a big deal. But he made me angry, so it just adds to his lameness.

He came to the door and I was really impressed with how gentlemanly he was the majority of the evening. He opened all of the doors for me and always allowed me to walk in a room first. He was polite and I appreciated that.

We got in his car and started driving. He stopped in the middle of the road and asked where I wanted to go for dinner. I HATE making decisions. I would much rather have someone plan it out and know right where we're going than give me a choice. But he was trying to be nice and get my opinion I suppose, so that's nice.

I decided on Pei Wei after asking him what places he liked. So we set off on our way for the restaurant. He literally drove 30 miles an hour the whole way there. 30 miles... That's fifteen under the speed limit. Explain how that makes any sense. When we finally  made it there and ordered our food, we sat down and started talking. He was really nice and I could tell he was incredibly intelligent. Oh... did I mention he's 29 and a professor at a college? Anyway, he asked me some really personal questions about my family and what not and I remember thinking to myself- this is a good sign. He seems genuinely interested in my life. After answering and asking some more questions, he said, I'm going to teach you a little bit about what I teach. and then he started getting super philosophical on me. I'm a relatively intelligent person, but he was asking things that no one can just answer right off the at. The point that he was trying to make was that I am the only person in this entire world that can influence myself. No one else can come into my life and disrupt it without my consent. Which did and didn't make sense.

Then he asked me if he could be honest with me. I told him yes. He looked down for a second. He looked back up and started in about what a special girl I am blah blah blah... I was expecting him to ask me to go on more dates with him. That's not at all what he wanted to say . He said, "I'm in a fairly serious relationship with this other girl. I wanted to go on this date with you because I didn't want to waste your time." How does that make any sense? "I'm probably going to be getting engaged soon to be honest with you. Now Chelsy, you're a wonderful girl and you have so much potential. But you need to lose some weight. No one is ever going to be able to see all that potential until you gain self control. I've been thinking about it, and I'm too old for you. But... I have a brother that is five years younger than me. He's 24. I think you two would be super compatible. I want to take you home to meet him. Now he may ask you to lose weight also. I would suggest you do. Even if it takes you a few years to lose it all- It will change your life. People will start to respect you."

W.T.F. What? Who does that? I was so angry. I couldn't show it though.. I should have asked to be taken home right there and then, but I didn't want to start conflict, so I just went with it. We got back in the car and again he drove thirty miles an hour until we finally got to his house. When we walked in, he introduced me to His brother Lee, who I've kind of met before on facebook. Jack said, "Hey Lee, this is Chelsy. Why don't you show her the house?" Lee acted happy too, like this sort of thing happened all the time. He showed me around the whole house and he seemed genuinely happy to have me be there. We sat in the conference room and started talking. yes, they have a conference room in their house. Their house is HUGE. But there's basically nothing in it. Even their bedrooms are super plain. No one really decorates much. It's crazy. Anyway, we were in the conference room. Jack came in and said, "Hey, Lee. I'm going down stairs. Will you take her home?" Her has a name. It's Chelsy. We met earlier. You told me to lose weight? Try to remember to use my name at least. Good Gravy. Lee happily agreed. He drove me home, and even walked me to the door, and hugged me good night. I walked into the house and immediately started bawling. I couldn't believe he would take me out when he's already seeing someone, say something like that to me, and then pawn me off on his brother. I just felt like the cast offs. He didn't want me, so he offered me to the rest of his brothers like a side of french fries from McDonalds. Which I eat at. Which is apparently not okay.

My sister and I decided that if he asks me if I want to go out with Lee or any of his other brothers, I should be like, "Oh Thanks, but I'm actually busy. Eating bacon and cheese on top of ice cream. With maple syrup. and sprinkles. But the sprinkles are sugar free!"

Just a jerk move. But whatever. I'm over it. I'm sure he meant well. It was just completely lacking in tact and human concern for other people. Get this. On the way to his house, Jack asked me if I kept a journal. I said yes, thinking about this blog. He said, "well tonight will have quite the interesting entry." You have no idea just how interesting, Jack.

Tanner

For some reason, I used to think that no guy was off limits. Even if they were dating some of my best friends. This girl wasn’t very nice, so I didn’t feel real loyalty toward her and this blog is all about me learning from my mistakes so don’t judge me.

In tenth grade I hung out with the swimmers. Don’t ask me why since I wasn’t a swimmer and basically everyone else was, but I was in the middle of trying to find my niche. Tanner and Shelby were the star couple. She was beautiful, he was attractive. She had a bad temper, however. And Tanner got bored easy and didn’t put up with much. They weren’t the best couple. I would constantly get calls from this girl crying about what awful things Tanner said to her and then he would call me and complain about how immature and crazy Shelby was.

In his defense, Shelby was ridiculous. Her goal in high school was to be known as a… not very nice person…  she definitely lived up to her goal. So it’s understandable that Tanner was upset. It doesn’t make what we did okay, but it makes it more understandable on his part. And on my part, I thought no guy would ever like me so when one did, I jumped at the opportunity.

We started talking more and more and meeting up in between classes. I really enjoyed his company- when he wasn’t complaining about Shelby, and he seemed to enjoy mine as well. Then one day, we were walking out of seminary together and he grabbed my hand. I was shocked… I didn’t know what to do, so I just acted like nothing had happened and holding hands was a normal thing.

After thirty long seconds, he dropped my hand, turned to me, and said, “Chelsy. You know I’m with Shelby.” I was so shocked. I didn’t know what to do. I just laughed, hit his arm and kept walking. That was it, though. I was hooked. I followed him everywhere after that. We talked everyday after school and I would stare at him from across the table all through lunch.

We were both in choir. One night after a concert, one of the boys started playing the piano and Tanner and I got up on stage and sang and danced together. For a minute, I forgot Shelby existed. We got all our stuff together and headed for Nelson’s frozen yogurt- because that was the cool thing to do back then. On the way there, Tanner said, “Chelsy, you look cold. Do you want my jacket?” I did want his jacket because a.) I was freezing, and b.) That’s what they do in the movies when they like each other.

“Yes, Please!” I said eagerly.

“I can’t give it to you.” I looked at him questioningly. “It would look like we’re a couple. You know I’m with Shelby.” Shelby… right. My friend… his girlfriend. I shrugged my shoulders, turned up the heat and the radio, and soon the conversation was forgotten.

When we got to Nielson’s, we got in line with the rest of our friends. Again, he grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. Still confused, I pulled away. “You’re with Shelby, remember?” I asked.

“Yeah I know. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Stop trying to hold my hand.” By this time, I was so confused. I got angry and went to sit by some other people. Tanner shrugged it off and went on to the next girl.

I still don’t know what his deal was with that. It still perplexes me. Boys are weird. 

Brian

A little update: I have a date this week. Let me just tell you how super excited I am. When was my last real date? I'm pretty positive it was in the Summer time. and I don't think it was ever really a "date" he bought me dinner. I'll tell you about him. 


Brian got home from his mission a while ago. He actually dated my friend for a while. She told me she had a feeling that I would marry him. Which was weird. I was used to people being like "No. He's my boyfriend. and since I dated him for two days in third grade, you can't even look at him or I'll tell everyone you broke the girl code and stole my boyfriend." You know. That conversation. But the conversation we had was more like, "Chelsy you and this boy would be great together! You're going to get married and have babies and it's all going to be because of meeeee!" so there's that. 


I don't even remember why we started hanging out... I think I got his number and we started texting and I decided to go for it because, heck. Who doesn't want to get married and have babies? So I went into it with the completely wrong mindset. I totally thought I was going to marry this guy. Like I legitimately started thinking to myself, I better start saving up for the wedding! or I can't eat that- I have to be skinny so I'll fit into the wedding dress. (I don't even have a wedding dress) It was a weird psychological thing that happened. 


He is a really great guy, and maybe, if I hadn't gone into it with that weird mindset, something could have happened, but I found myself getting upset. But not even upset. I just felt... complacent? Is that the right word? I started feeling like Well, I better get used to this. This is what it's going to be like when we get married. WHAT? I wasn't even dating the guy yet. haha it was ridiculous.


So now I guess I'll explain what happened with him. Like I said- super nice guy. He asked me to go to his soccer game which was great and I was totally excited about it. I went with him and watched him play and it was precious. That was when I decided that I could totally be his soccer wife. Trophy wife? What ever it is where they tote you around to their games and you watch adoringly from the sidelines. The only thing was, he was so quiet. and I don't mean he just didn't talk much. he didn't. but when he did, it was so quiet, I could barely hear him. and I'm already deaf as it is, so I super couldn't understand him. "What?" was a staple in our conversation.


We went and saw Zookeeper together. This was when it went from I'm going to marry him! To I'm going to marry him. Once again, we weren't even dating yet. we went to dinner after and then he came over to my house to play games. We ended up building "pictures" out of jenga blocks. Once again, precious. I was still super into him at this point. He was financially stable, not that that's the most important thing, but it certainly helps. He was quirky and amusing, but there was just something not clicking.


He asked me to hang out with him and his friends. We played kinnect and watched a movie. During the movie, I did all the right things. I sat really close to him, angled my body toward him and even made my hand available to him, but he didn't take the bait. And that's when I started to feel like eh.... I don't know. 


But we were getting married. So I had to give him another chance right? I left for New Hampshire for two weeks shortly after that. We stayed in touch. At one point, we were talking about soccer- he really likes soccer. He said he had been playing all weekend. I commented that it was healthy! he said "Yeah. It will help me work off my belly keg." Belly Keg? Is that a thing? I said, "Yeah I'm too lazy to work mine off." he said, "It suits you! :)" My fault for bringing it up. and that's nice that he thinks I'm great the way I am. But it suits you? haha okay what ev. so I said, "haha thanks. :P" He said, "Tis true!" Just keep shoving your foot in your mouth son. haha it was kind of cute though. I was in the car with Colleen and Catherine at the time and when I read it to them, we all died laughing. Maybe you had to be there. 


I found out that Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat was at the MAC and since he had never been to a musical, I insisted on taking him. I bought tickets and we went the weekend I got home.That was when I decided it wouldn't work out. We didn't have much in common, and the things we did have in common, we liked for different reasons. I don't know what it was really. I just decided that I couldn't marry him. So I broke off our engagement in my brain.


Surprisingly there was no awkward talk with him. I think he felt that we weren't really all that compatible as well because we just kind of stopped talking. We're still facebook friends. But there's basically no conversation. I'll always think of him as a super nice person that I had a really good time with, but we just weren't meant for each other. Which is totally fine. Oh yuck. I just had the urge to say "totes" Internet, what are you doing to me? Time to go to bed before I #stopusingthespacebar.

Vikings.

I joined Eharmony as I previously mentioned. It turns out, love is even more unattainable on-line. For me at least. They hooked me with all that crap about Tina and Greg and how glad they are that they found each other on line. It sounded pretty easy. You upload some pictures, say a couple things about yourself, and voila, some attractive knight in shinning armor reads your profile and decides he can’t live without you. This is exactly how everything happened at first.

I got matched with some guy named Veranthros. I thought "well that's an odd name..." but I decided to view his profile anyway. A couple days later he viewed mine, so I sent him a message. 

"Hi! I was reading your profile and you seem like a super nice guy!"

His response: 

Hi Chelsy,

Thank you for the compliment, that was very sweet of you:) You seem to be a very nice girl as well, genuine and very intelligent;and, of course you are beautiful.The fact that you are a reader and writer says a lot about who you are...I'm sure you are very passionate,imaginative, and creative in nature.Like you I am a hopeless romantic,hence that is why I am still single (seems hard to find a fairy tale today). I was wondering why you would find interest in someone my age,but you being mature would make sense of that ;) Well feel free to ask me anything that you want, I wont hold back if you promise me you wont...I look forward to hearing back from you.

Dio....my real name (Veranthros is my viking name I made up when I was like 15, and it has just sort of stuck with me:)

So he seems like a super awesome guy so far, right? I was entranced. You might be wondering what he looks like. Well since words can't describe how gorgeous he is, I'll include a picture for your viewing pleasure. 

Gorgeous, right? and look at his arms....

Okay. Enough. 

Back on track. Dio. 

We went back and forth for a while. We started asking and answering questions. He asked about my exes, I asked about his. He asked about my family which tends to be a big mess, but I told him everything. He was super understanding about everything. When he asked about my ex boyfriends, I shared this story with him:

 The most serious relationship I was in lasted about four months... not very long- I know. It ended because he was emotionally abusive. He had me convinced that I was some crazy person and the only one who could ever love me was him. One day he told me his mom gave him money to take me out to dinner. When I asked where we were going he said he wasn't going to take me out. When I asked why he said, "Why would I pay someone to make you fatter?" No joke. Then one day he said, "You know, Chelsy, if you want to lose weight, all you have to do is be bulimic. Lots of girls lose weight that way. I'm not self-conscious about the way I look- I'm curvy and I'm fine with that, but evidently he had a problem with it. haha Yet through all of this I stayed with him because any time I thought about leaving him, he would tell me he loved me or take me on a nice date. I thought I loved him too. It finally got to the point where I couldn’t handle how badly I felt all the time. I started talking to a good friend and he told me I needed to break up with my boyfriend. I did some praying and serious soul searching and finally worked up the courage to break up with him. When I told him, he proposed to me. You know what he said? "Don't ask me how, but somehow I've been able to look past all your weird quirks and even though people say you aren't pretty enough for me, I'm willing to marry you. I guess I love you for some reason. At least I know you'll never cheat on me." I got out of the car and never looked back. And I've never been better. 

I ended the message by asking if he was sure he liked me.

He responded perfectly of course.

Don't feel bad about you weight Chelsy, you are gorgeous...in every way, shape, and form;I just know that you have a very majestic beauty, that not many girls have out there, most beauty is pretty routine (and, I'm not just floating your fancy);so, never stop realizing that. Am I attracted to the "very big" girl...no;but, you are not very big and I know the little weight you retain, is from a stress in your life, and can be reversed. I will end this message by telling you..."yes,I'm sure I like you" :D Are you sure you like me?

He continued to talk to me. He told me he was out of town on a business trip, but that he couldn't wait to get home so that he could meet me in person. I was on cloud nine. I checked my e-maiil like every three seconds for his replies. I showed everyone at work his picture and when they asked if he was my boyfriend, I would say, "Not yet, but he will be soon!" I genuinely thought he would be. But, unfortunately, I am unlucky in love. So that didn't exactly turn out.

It was a week before I heard from him again. I was convinced he was at the bottom of the ocean somewhere and that he had died tragically. Trying not to seem desperate or clingy, I sent him a short message to remind him I was still alive and checking to see if he was. 

I never got a reply. I refuse to believe that he could just stop talking to me like that, so I convinced myself that he had just died. I was terribly depressed for a couple of days. Here was the great guy that was so perfect, and my craziness scared him away. It was unfortunate, But I've learned that anyone that goes by a viking name is weird and not worth it. Or at least that's what I say to make myself feel better.

The moral of this story? Don't join an on-line dating sight because there are no prince charmings on there and the ones that are die tragically in fishing accidents. :)

Just a side note-

I joined e-harmony. Yes. My life has become THAT pathetic. :)

Nick

Here's a fun one. Nick. So as mentioned before, I learned that dating people from work was a BAD idea. This is the story that taught me not to let people from work set me up.


I was working box one slow day when the team member I was working with pulled out her phone and started texting.


"Phone away," I said not even bothering to look up from the computer desk. "At least try to hide it from me."


"Sorry I'm helping with a crisis." She said sliding her phone under the cash register. "Chelsy..." she said a moment later, "Are you dating anyone?" It had in fact been about a year since I'd been in any kind of relationship.


"Nope. I'm single as can be." I said fighting the urge to slam my face down on the desk. "Why do you ask?" other than to remind me of how pathetically alone I am.


"Well I have this friend- you know, the one I was texting? Well I think you guys would make a really great couple." Crisis! Crisis! Hearing that word should have made me wary of even talking to the guy. But as is the general theme, with guys I kind of have to mess up in order to learn anything. So pretty much from the second she told me he was Mormon and single, I was hearing wedding bells. I even waved off the fact that he was divorced as of a week before, had a three year old son, and was seven years older than me.


Being the hypocrite that I am, I pulled out my phone and began texting him. He was a little weird, but I figured that was forgivable because he had been married for the past five years and was new to the whole dating thing. Plus I knew that the moment I met him, I would fall head over heels for him.


and then he showed me a picture of his son. I don't usually like kids. They drive me crazy. I know I'll like my own since they'll be mine blah blah blah, but when it comes to loving someone else’s kids, It's usually pretty hard for me to do. But I fell in LOVE with this kid. He was seriously the cutest little blonde hair blue eyed kid I had ever seen. I knew I was in BIG trouble now.


I continued to text him. The next day he asked me on a date. We agreed on Monday night since we both had the day off. "Great!," he said. "I don't know if I'll be able to get a sitter, though. Would it be okay if I brought my son?" Another warning sign. The lights are flashing, the alarms are going off. Still I ignore them. I adore his son, remember?


"Please bring him! I can't wait to meet him!" Stupid Chelsy. Stupid.


"Perfect. We can call it family night! We can take Tanner to see Rio, then go out to dinner, then take Tanner to the temple. He loves the temple." More warning signs. He's calling our first date "family night" and wants to take me to the temple? At this rate I'll be married in a month!


As the days are going on I'm realizing more and more how weird this guy is. I'm still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he just keeps getting weirder.


I didn't find out how truly weird he was, however, until A couple days before our "family night."


I was working concession, a busier part of the theatre when I got a call over the walkie asking me to go up to guest services. I replied that I was in the middle of something and would be up in ten minutes. About twenty minutes later I finally made my way up to the front. Once I got to the lobby, I stopped dead in my tracks. There sitting on a bench in front of me, was Nick.. I recognized him from the millions of pictures he had sent me over the past week or so. Let me just tell you, he was cuter in the pictures.


"Hey Nick!" I said, a confused look on my face. He got up quickly and tromped over to me flinging an arm around my shoulder.


"Hey Chels! I knew you were working tonight and I decided to come by after I got off. I texted you." Wha...?


"Oh that's really nice!" I said disentangling myself from his arm. "Sorry it took me so long to get up here, we're actually really busy- you see I don't get off for another hour and a half-" I was trying to get rid of him, but at this point he cut me off.


"Oh that's okay, I'll wait." He'll wait... awesome. I was feeling so awkward and out of sorts. I had made up my mind that day that I didn't have feelings for him and that he was a weird guy but I was banking on the fact that I would never have to actually see him face to face. Once I meet someone in real life, like outside of texting and facebook, it becomes too personal for me to effectively let them down easy. Now I was being forced to hang around this guy and act like I like him, only to break his heart the next day. All of this was going through my head as I contemplated the best way to get him to leave.


"Oh you don't want to wait! It's going to take forever and you'll be so bored!"


"Oh I don't mind, I'll just watch you." That's not creepy or anything.


"Okay..." I said feeling dejected and freaked out at the same time.


I walked back to the concession stand and told my manager everything. Of course she cracked up and watched him watch me for the rest of the night. She would run to the back and give me updates on him while I tried to plan the best way to get away from him without having to talk to him. At this point my senior manager noticed I hadn't been in front bar for an extended amount of time, so he came to find me.


"Why aren't you up front?" He asked me in that you may or may not be in trouble kind of voice. I looked to Ms. Miller who explained the whole story to him.


A little side note about Mr. M- I tell him everything. He basically knows my whole history. He's been like a second father to me over the past couple years. When we were doing Summer hiring, there was this totally gorgeous totally professional looking African American gentleman who came in to apply. He had a degree in communications and boy was he a smooth talker. We conversed for a good twenty minutes before he shook my hand and departed leaving me with his application. As soon as Mr. M. came in, I showed him the application and explained that he HAD to hire him because I just knew that I was going to marry him and have beautiful mixed children. He told me that he was waaaay over qualified and would most likely not take the job or quit after orientation. I told him I didn't care and begged once more for him to hire Gabe. A true angel in my eyes.


I was shocked the next week to see that he had, in deed, hired Gabe. We joked that I could just go through the applications every week and select the guys I thought would make great eternal companions for myself and he would hire them. Gabe did quit right after orientation to pursue an internship, but that just goes to show you the kind of relationship Mr. M and I share.


Anyway, after Ms. Miller told him, he started into the whole warning me about guys like that and he wanted me to be safe and he told me "under no circumstances are you to go outside with him." and I agreed. This guy was crazy.


So after work, I walked slowly toward Nick. He rushed to meet me. He steered me away from all the people and started walking outside.


You’ve seen the cartoons where one character is being drug across the floors by another character and the one being drug leaves behind big, long, scratch marks in the carpet? That’s the only visual I can use to describe my feelings at that time.


We walked outside and he would have gone further, but I sat down on the bench right outside the front door where I was still in view of Mr. M. He talked to me for an hour about nothing in particular. I got the feeling that he was incredibly lonely. He was very nice and complimentary, but he was NOT for me. I was starting to feel trapped. We were going on an hour and a half and I kept trying to hint that I needed to leave, to no avail. He just kept chattering on. I was ready to start chewing my leg off, though I don’t think even that would have helped me in this situation.


I had purposely taken my radio outside with me, just in case I needed to call for help from this weirdo. I was so grateful I did when an hour and forty minutes into the one sided conversation, Mr. M called me.


“Chelsy?” relief flooded through me. I held down the black button and said,


“Go ahead.”


“Hey, I need a print screened if you’re interested.” I jumped at the opportunity to get away from Nick. Supervisors weren’t allowed to screen movies so I knew it was Mr. M trying to get me out of the situation I was in.


“Absolutely, sir. I’ll be right in.” I replied. Turning to Nick, I said, “I am so sorry. They work me to the bone here. But thanks for stopping by. I’ll talk to you later.” And after an awkward hug, I walked back inside.


I, of course, thanked my manager profusely for the save and drove home pretty set on telling the guy I wasn’t interested the next day.


I had everything I wanted to say prepared. He was a great guy, but I just wasn’t interested in a relationship blah blah blah. Before I could send him the text, however, he sent me this adorable picture of his son. I turned to mush. I knew I had to get rid of him though. So I retyped the text.


I said a lot of things. Some true, some not. I’m a bad person, get over it. Basically I told him that I had just gotten out of a super emotionally abusive relationship and I wasn’t ready for even friendship with guys. I felt really bad for saying that afterward, however, because he messaged me on facebook the next day:

o    Just In Case

Hey Chelsy,
I just thought you would like to know that I completely understand what you are going through. I didn't think that I would be able to text you what I was thinking but also felt that I needed to let you know. Everything that happens for a reason and I think that you and I needed to find one another and this is why, I know that you don't know a lot about me and definitely don't know much about my past relationship, but here is what I feel I should tell you: Before my wife divorced me she attacked me with a lot of verbal attacks as well as controlled me in a way that I was not allowed to see or really talk with my family. She filed a restraining order. As I went in to respond and defend my honor there were a number of posters, on each one a number of questions. As I read them I responded yes to almost every one of them. Then I read the bottom of each one and found that I had been in an abusive situation for more than four years. I am now trying to rebuild yet don't feel like I am ready. I have a terrible fear that I will find another "wonderful" woman who would be a wonderful mom and have the same situation that I have had for the past five years. I don't know that you want to talk to me about what you have gone through and would not ask you to, but if you ever need a freind with a listening ear, know that I am here. I feel that whether or not we would ever be anything more than just friends or not is beyond the point. You have helped me to open up and I know that everything happens for a reason. Know that god loves you and that no matter what; I will forever be your friend and brother. With love from your spirit brother and earthly friend,

Nicolas

See? He’s super nice and he’s been through a lot. But he was just so weird. I couldn’t handle it. He made me uncomfortable and I wanted out. So I replied:

Hey! I am so sorry that it's taken me this long to get back to you- I've been so super busy. But Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about this. I appreciate it. I'm really so sorry for everything that you've had to go through. It's extremely unfortunate and I'm so sorry. but like you said, everything happens for a reason. You are a stronger and a better person because of it. and now you know what an abusive relationship looks like. That's what I'm grateful for. I know I'll never get into one again. Thank you for your invitation to talk. I'll keep that in mind. If you ever need anything just let me know and I would like to remain friends. I'm sorry that I freaked out a little bit, I'm just a little terrified of any kind of relationship right now. even if it is just friendly. I really hope you have a great night/day/whatever it is when you read this. :)

Chelsy

And he replied:

I as well will apologize for taking so long to get back to you. I have been working almost none stop and have things going before and after work. I did read your email the day you wrote, thanks to my smart phone but have not had the time to sit down and respond to you yet. I too am sorry for what you have experienced. It is something that I wish we could rid the world of. Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated, it just isn't Christ like. I do think that I will in time be a stronger person as will you, but that takes time. I appreciate your offer to help if I ever need anything and about the freaking out........no sweat. I think I have told you before, I am really laid back and easy going sometimes to a fault. Really no need to apologize. I can understand the whole relationship thing, and I am not worried about it. I understand as it is hard for me to have just friends because I am scared that I might fall back into an abusive relationship and I worry that every single person I talk to might turn into my ex......that includes both you and Brittney, even though I know we are just friends the What If always runs through my mind. I too would like to remain friends. I think that I should apologize to you, you see I have not had any friends for around three years. I was not allowed to, so when Brittney introduced the thought of you being there, my thoughts were to treat you like a long lost friend or like I would my sisters and I know that I come across as over bearing and too much and that is something I am working on. So please forgive me for that, I am learning it like everything else will probably take some time to figure out how everything is again. Alright need to go to work tutoring my student. It is our last night that we will have if he is going to pass. I hope that this finds you well and god speed.

He was just weird. I never did reply to this and I deleted him on facebook a few months ago. So I’m hoping he’s gone forever. I’m always hesitant to post these stories because I’m afraid that I’ll come off as rude or mean and sometimes I’m afraid that I’m sharing too much of their personal stuff. But that’s why I change their names so I figure it’s not a big deal. Anyway, That’s the story of Nick.

Kyle

I’ve always been a little desperate for male attention. I can’t help it. I crave companionship and love and I don’t get it much. So I sometimes come off a little clingy and well… desperate.

When I first started my job at the theatre, there was a supervisor that I was just enamored with. I loved working with him and he knew it. One day, we were sitting in the usher closet killing time. Kyle was talking to another guy in the room when he looked down at me. I said,

“Oh wow, your eyes are blue.” It wasn’t in an ‘I’m creepy and in love with you’ kind of way. More like an ‘Oh I just happened to notice that you have really blue eyes. Good for you!’ kind of way. He said, “Aw.” And lifted my chin with his hand and looked at me for a moment. My knees went weak. I don’t know why I found that so adorable, but I did. From that moment on, I was hooked. And I guess he was too.

A couple days later, he messaged me on facebook with his number and an invitation to text him any time I felt like it. So, we started talking. He told me all about how he had dated 18 girls and all of them had cheated on him. He also told me he was addicted to sex. Awesome, right? I of course, was convinced I could cure anyone of anything. I have a savior complex. I told him I didn’t judge him for anything.

A little while later, I was invited to hang out with him at his house. His house was a half hour away and I was not allowed to be out of the house, really. But I didn’t care. I was so in "like" with him that I would have moved mountains to get to him. So I snuck out of the house to go see him.

His sister was there and they were playing Mario on the wii. The weird thing about Kyle and his sister is they look EXACTLY alike. Like if you put a wig on Kyle, they could literally pass as the same person. His sister is super pretty though, so it’s weird. But anyway, you would have thought that Kyle would have stopped playing with his sister and engaged in some sort of activity with me. But no. He just assumed that I had come over to watch him play Mario. Not even close.

Finally I decided it was time to go home. He paused his game to walk me outside. How kind, right? Boys are stupid. Anyway, a little back story. A few weeks previously my car had been broken into. They had thrown a rock through the rear left passenger side window. I usually kept it taped up, but for some reason, I didn’t one night. I drove to work without a problem, but about halfway through my shift, I noticed it was pouring outside. I begged my manager to let me run outside and tape my window up. She agreed as long as I took Kyle so I didn’t get raped in the parking lot. Little did she know that Kyle was probably the person most likely to rape me out there. Anyway, we grabbed towels, tape, and a trash bag and ran outside to tape the window up. He did most of the taping, however, since I’m a bit incompetent.

The day that I went over to Kyle’s house I had actually had someone out to fix my window. So when he walked me out, I showed him the window repair.  

We bantered playfully back and forth about how fixing windows temporarily was the only thing he was good at- that and bossing everyone around. He turned to look at me and said, “I’m good at other things,”

I said, “Oh yeah? Like what?” He smirked at me for a minute then said,

“Kissing for one.” BOLD.

I said, “Yeah? I don’t think you can really be the judge of that. You’ll need an unbiased judge.”

“Know any?” he asked getting closer. My heart was pounding in my chest. He was going to kiss me.

“Well, you’re in luck. I just happen to have a degree in unbiased judging.” Don’t judge me. I was a cheesy 18 year old. Probably because he really couldn’t handle any more of my “witty come-backs”, he kissed me. We made out for what felt like forever. He stopped me a couple times and told me to slow down. Apparently, I was too passionate. But all I knew from kissing I learned from a divorced 26 year old. Pardon me if I was a little too frisky.

In the middle of our make out sesh, Kyle received a phone call.

“It’s my ex.” He said answering the phone. I waited patiently while he told her he was busy and would call her back later. He immediately resumed exploring my molars with his tongue.

I don’t even remember driving home. I was on cloud nine. I was so happy, in fact, that I forgot to charge my phone. So, naturally, it died early that morning and I didn’t have it all through the school day. As soon as I got home, I plugged it in and watched as all the texts came flooding in.

There were several from Kyle. The first said, “I’m thinking of you.” The second, “We need to talk.” The third, “Listen, I really like you, but I don’t want to ruin your innocence. I think we should be friends.”

Awesome. I was heartbroken. I kept going over the night trying to figure out what went wrong. What had happened between then and now to make him think that? But what could I do? I wasn’t going to sit there and try to convince him to be with me. It was my first rejection. The first time I had ever been kissed then denied.

So I sent him a text back that said something along the lines of, “Oh it’s fine. I totally understand. Friends it is. J” or some other stupid variety. He immediately sent me a text back that read,

“Kay good. Don’t tell anyone. I’m already in enough trouble at work.” I didn’t understand fraternization rules and the like so I didn’t understand what he was talking about. But I went with it.

I did okay for the first couple hours… I talked to a couple of my friends about it. I cried for a couple hours, yelled for a couple more. But then I needed to talk to someone.

There was another guy from work who really liked me and wanted to date me. I never felt quite right about the idea of dating him though so it never ended up happening. He ended up texting me that night though and he was always really good at cheering me up, so I spilled the beans. All the beans. And let me just tell you, those beans got spread everywhere….

Cameron, the guy I told, went to one of my managers that he had dated previously and told her that Kyle had kissed me. Oddly enough the manager he told knew Kyle’s ex girlfriend and told her. It wasn’t really that odd that she knew her though because she happened to be a manager also. And she wasn’t his ex girlfriend. She was his current girlfriend. Of course.

I had no idea that “Danielle” was actually Danielle Deme or Ms. Deme to me. So she confronted Kyle about it. He of course lied, something he’s very good at, and said, “What? No. I stayed at your house that night. How could I have been with her? She’s just obsessed with me. And she lies all the time.” Awesome Kyle. Thanks for that.

So I was pissed. But still in “like” with him. He confronted me about opening my big fat mouth and wouldn’t really talk to me anymore. So I went to the store, bought peanut butter pre-made cookie dough and went home to put them in the oven to bake. Simple enough, right?

Wrong. Apparently I’m the world’s worst cook. I burnt the cookies. In like a bad, terrible, “you shouldn’t give these to Kyle” kind of way. But I didn’t have time to go back to the store to get more. I made a decision to take them to him anyway. I figured he would think it endearing that I couldn’t cook. Umm yeah. Wrong again. I was very wrong all the time.

I went on the long voyage to his house once more. I knocked on the door and was surprised when a fellow team member opened the door. Apparently Kyle fraternized in every way possible. I handed him the cookies that had a big note taped over the plate that read SORRY in big bold letters. I handed them to my co-worker and said,

“These are for Kyle. They’re burned and gross. But can you just tell him I’m sorry?” he said he would and put them inside. I left feeling very stupid.

Once Kyle got over the fact that I had blabbed and nearly ended his relationship, he started talking to me again. He made fun of me for the cookies and told everyone how in love with him I’d been. I became obsessed with telling everyone all about my interaction with Kyle. I couldn’t help it. I was addicted to the attention.

He started texting me a lot more frequently asking me for dirty pictures and crying about his life. I never did send him nor any other guys anything indecent, which I’m very proud of, but I really should not have been texting him when he was in that state. That is to say highly intoxicated.

Eventually, when he figured out I wouldn’t send him any pictures, the texts stopped. But then he started following me into usher closets and laundry closets and trying to kiss me. Getting tired of being assaulted and partially molested every time I was alone with him, I confided in a fellow worker. She expressed that she had been in similar situations only much worse. Apparently it had happened to just about every female employee there.

In the end, Kyle got what was coming to him. He got a new job at Wal-Mart and got engaged to Danielle who later cheated on him with a different manager from work. I have no contact with him anymore. I deleted his number and blocked him on facebook and boy am I glad I did. Lesson learned with this boy? Don’t mix work and pleasure. A mistake I won’t make again in a hurry. 

Gary

I think I’m just going to start picking and choosing the boys I tell you about rather than going chronologically. I figure I can give you the timeline and you’ll get it. Any way, here’s the story of Gary.

In high school, I had a bad problem with not following “the girl code”. We all know what I’m talking about. The code set in place to keep girls from ripping each other’s hair out. When you break the code, girls have permission to do what ever they want to you. They could do anything from ruining your reputation to actually ripping your hair out. Lucky for me, my friends weren’t very vindictive. I learned my lesson, though with guy number… what ever number we’re on now.

Gary and three other young bachelors lived around the street from where my dad’s house was. All four were exactly the kind of guy you wouldn’t want your teenage daughter to hang around. But as you’ve probably noticed, when I’m around the male gender, my brain goes to mush. All of my common sense just flies right out the window.

I first met these boys through none other than my good friend Deven. I got in more trouble with her than anyone else. One time, we drove way out to Chandler to go to a house party we thought would be “off the hook”. We got all kinds of dolled up, stole her dad’s car, and high tailed it out to Chandler. When we got there, we were sorely disappointed. There were literally a total of eight people there. When we walked in, we heard someone whisper, “White girls!” That’s how ghetto this party was. We finally decided to leave when there was a beer chugging competition and a very large, very hammered man passed out on the beer soaked rug.

I digress. So I met them through Deven. She would say she was spending the night at my house, then late that night we would sneak out and walk around the corner to their house. From then on it was a non stop party. They always had plenty of hookah and beer. Not that I ever tried any of it, but it was always there.

Deven and Gary began forming an attachment. They would stay up late into the night talking and texting, flirting and fighting. They fought more than any other couple I’ve ever been around.

 I was in theatre in high school. It was literally the most important thing in the world to me. I lived and breathed acting. I wanted to share my love for theatre with my friends, so I invited Deven who in turn invited Gary. They came and sat in the back cat calling whenever I walked on stage. They were exactly the people I hated. “Uncultured swine” as I once referred to them. But I forgave them since I thought they were cool. I’m a sheep, remember?

After the play, Deven wanted to hang out with him and I of course, agreed because I was beginning to develop feelings for Gary. I liked being around him even though I knew nothing could ever come from it.

I really wanted a boyfriend at this point. I was lonely and my life was sad and I wanted someone to share the burden of it with me. So naturally when Deven told me their friend Rudy, who had seen me once before at a gathering of some sort, was interested in me, I jumped at the opportunity to meet him and make him my boyfriend.

Rudy was NOT the person I remembered.

We met up at Rudy’s house to play games. Immediately Rudy went into the bathroom and pulled a small bag from behind the toilet tank.  Once Rudy left the bathroom, Deven pulled me in under the pretext that she had to pee and didn’t want to do it alone. “We need some alone time.” She said turning the tap on. “Let them have their boy time. I bet Rudy’s talking to Gary about how into you he is.” She sat on the sink with her legs crossed. I moved the many copies of play boy off the toilet seat and sat down.

 “What was in the bag Rudy had?” I asked innocently.

“Oh it’s just weed.” Deven said examining her finger nails. My heart plummeted. Weed? In the same house that I was in? I just knew I was going to get arrested. Or Die. Since they smoked illegal substances I knew they were probably killers as well. They were going to kill me and throw my body into the Salt River. I swallowed hard. Deven stuck her ear up to the door. “I think they’ve gone outside. Let’s go.” I got shakily to my feet and followed her out the sliding glass door to the patio.

What awaited me nearly made me faint. Rudy and Gary were sitting in two lawn chairs that formed a circle around a fire pit. They were smoking weed. As I sat down, Rudy offered me the joint. I froze. I was way too much of a good girl to smoke weed. I wanted them to still think I was cool, however so I simply declined and sat back and acted like it didn’t bother me that they were smoking so close to me. Gary moved from his place next to Deven and sat in the empty seat on the other side of me. Deven’s eyes flashed with envy.

“You don’t want to smoke?” He asked. I had serious butterflies at this point. But I was determined to hold to my standards.

“No, I’ve never been into that kind of thing. Plus I’m asthmatic.” He pulled a face. I internally face palmed. I couldn’t think of any better response than I’m asthmatic? Awesome. Gary didn’t seem to mind much though. He just leaned back in his chair and continued smoking his marijuana.

By this point I was starting to feel light headed. Light headed and cold. Gary noticed this and took his jacket off and wrapped it around my shoulders. Deven pretended not to notice and continued her conversation with Rudy. I put my arms through, grateful for the warmth. The boys had finally finished their joint with the help of Deven and Rudy’s small and now very high Chihuahua. We went back inside.

I sat on the floor. The room was spinning. I leaned up against the foot board. I turned to my left and noticed that Gary was sitting next to me. I started laughing. The noise that came out was not my laugh, however. It was oddly low and it seemed to hang in the air for a long time. This made me laugh even more. Gary was amused and laughed with me. I imagined that I saw a speech bubble with “hahahaha” written inside of it spewing out of his mouth in many different colors. I went cross eyed for a minute, then closed my eyes and peered at him again. He peered back and we started laughing once more.

Once the general hysteria was over, I looked down at the jacket I was wearing. Gary’s name was scrawled in the corner with curly writing like you might see at Disneyland. (He was a mechanic and apparently they embroidered their names on their work jackets.) I started laughing once more. Gary looked at me, confused. “Heeey. Heeeeeeey! Wassss so fnnny?” He asked, slurring his speech.

I rolled my head back over to him. “What’s my name?” I asked blinking up at him.

“Chesly, Chelsy.” He mumbled.

I shook my head.”mmmnope! Whas my naaame??” I asked smiling and holding in my giggles. He looked very confused so I leaned over and whispered in his ear, rather loudly I might add, “It’s Gary!” and I pointed at his name with a hand over my mouth to keep from busting up laughing.

He chortled loudly which attracted the attention of Rudy and Deven who were previously ignoring us. “What’s so funny?” Deven asked sitting down on the other side of me.

“What’s my name?” I asked her. Gary started laughing once more and answered,

“It’s GARY!” Deven gave me a quizzical look then stared into my eyes.

“Oh my gosh. Rudy. She totally has contact high.” She stated looking at my dilated pupils.

“Nah. That’s a myth.” Rudy stated pouting in the corner. He could see Gary and I liked each other. Deven was too high to care.

Eventually I started to come off my high and I was beginning to feel very sad. Sad and guilty. Gary and I snuck outside together while Deven and Rudy were getting everyone’s things together. He noticed that I looked upset. He wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m really sorry.” He purred resting his chin on my head. “I didn’t mean for that to happen. I know you didn’t want to smoke and I totally respect that.” I shook my head.

“It wasn’t your fault. And it’s not like I actually smoked. I just… secondhand smoked.” We heard the door open. He kissed my forehead and released me before Deven saw our embrace.

 “You guys can stick around here for a while longer if you want.” Rudy stated hopefully. “You know… wait for your high to wear off.”

“I didn’t actually smoke, Rudy. I’m fine to drive.” I stated coldly. The look he gave me made me feel bad so I hugged him and said, “Thanks for hanging out. It was fun.” Then I climbed into the driver’s seat and started the car. Deven pulled Gary into the back seat with her.

“Hold me. I’m cold.” Deven stated glaring at me in the rearview mirror. A couple minutes later my phone vibrated. Gary had sent me a text that simply read, “sorry.” I glanced at him in the mirror. He was looking back at me while holding Deven in his arms. I would have given anything to be with him right then. But instead I just watched him with my best friend, my heart breaking into a million different pieces.

Deven was angry with me that night. She didn’t speak to me until we were tucked away in her tiny bed. “Can you just hold me?” She asked. I can’t explain the dynamics of our friendship. I was like a mom to her and pretty much all our other friends. I was there to comfort her when she needed it. And now was that time. Unfortunately, I was the person who had hurt her this time. I felt really bad. I went to sleep feeling, if possible, even more guilty.

The next morning, however, I awoke feeling justified. I had never had a boyfriend and Deven had had plenty. It was her turn to take one for the team and allow me a little happiness. So I snuck over to Gary’s house every chance I got. We would sit together, him laying in my lap, me running my fingers through his gorgeous hair, and talk about his day. He would hold me and talk about his past and how hard growing up was for him. It was like having a best friend. We never kissed. The one time we got close, I backed away.

“I need to know what’s going on between you and Deven before I get any more emotionally involved in… in whatever it is we have going on here.” He tried to assure me that there was nothing going on and that he had practically forgotten about her. I told him that she still thought they had something and that he needed to end things with her for good if he wanted anything to progress with us. So I was kind of  loyal… Yeah. Terrible friend. I know. Moving on.

He agreed. He texted her and asked her to come over to talk. I left his house and went home to wait for him to text me to tell me how it went. About an hour later, he called. I could barely understand him through his tears.

“She kissed me, Chelsy. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what to do. She kissed me and then left, but I feel like I’ve cheated on you. I’m so sorry. Please come over. I need you.”

I was slightly baffled. I didn’t care if she kissed him, really. We weren’t a couple. And that phrase, I need you made my heart race. Finally someone needed me. I told him I’d be right over. When I walked out the door, however, I saw Deven’s car. I walked to it and opened the door.

“I just came to see if you were okay.” She stated matter-of-factly as I opened the door.

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked thinking that it should be the other way around.

“Well Gary just admitted that he loves me and wants to be with only me and I thought you guys must have talked or something. Though we all know it would end up like this eventually.” I stared at her perplexed.

“Gary just called me sobbing because he said you flung yourself at him and kissed him.” Deven gave me that, oh no he didn’t face and said,

“He kissed me.” My heart, again, felt as if it had somersaulted off of a big giant cliff and landed amoung thorns, sharp rocks, and old rusty nails. Now I was starting to get ngry.

Once we had talked out both sides of the story, we realized that Gary had been two timing us. He had been using Deven for all of the physical aspects of a typical relationship and had been using me for all the emotional baggage. Hurt, and slightly flattered, I developed a plan to get Gary back.

“Deven. Gary is expecting me to come over to his house any minute. I’m going to go in there and start bawling and talk about how happy I am and that I’m sorry but I can’t say why. Then you’re going to come over and tell him that we are lesbians.” We both decided I was brilliant and the plan commenced. It unraveled better than we could have hoped.

When I came over he was confused and worried. Thanks to my acting background, I was able to produce tears of happiness. I was very convincing. Deven followed through with her part as well. My favorite line from that conversation being, “Well can’t we all just be together?” Awesome.

Of course he later found out that we were lying. He and Deven did eventually get back together briefly. They fought constantly. It ended in heart ache on both ends.

I did genuinely like Gary. But I realize now that what relationship we would have had would have been all wrong. He was all about him. And he knew exactly how to manipulate me. That phrase I need you has haunted me through several past relationships. Once I heard those three words, I was a goner. But life is about learning. And I’m definitely learning. I’m really glad I’ve gone through all of these experiences because how would I have learned if I hadn’t? Any way. That’s Gary for you.