Croc

I’m going a little out of order… but I wanted to write about Croc. I’ve been following him on facebook lately and I need to get him out of my system.

In high school I was in a small all girl jazz group. The fifteen other girls became my sisters. We loved each other like a family. We all wanted the best for each other. After I had endured a rather painful break-up, one of the girls decided that she would set me up with one of her neighbors.

“He’s really not weird or anything. He’s super sweet and cool and I just know you guys are going to fall in love and get married.” So I decided he didn’t sound so bad. He added me on facebook and we exchanged numbers. He called me one night and we talked for hours. I was a little bored by the conversation- I don’t generally like talking on the phone unless I’ve known the person for a long time, but I figured he seemed like a nice guy.

He asked me if he could pick me up later that week to go shopping for a Diamond Backs t-shirt. So we met up a couple nights later and went shopping. He talked most of the time and I was starting to get the weird vibe from him. But I decided I would give him a chance.

I have a bad habit of divulging far too much information upon first meeting someone. There was this one time, I went on a date with a guy from my single’s ward. He picked me up from my friend’s house that I was living at and I decided that that was weird so I needed to tell him my whole life story so he would understand my family dynamics. It was way too much information and he we both felt really awkward afterward. I have learned since then, however, to keep my mouth shut till at least the second date.

So I explained my family situation. He sympathized and later decided that I was “the strongest young woman he had ever met.” All the attention he was giving me was flattering and I feed off of positive reinforcement so that was enough to get me through the day. After going to three different walmarts to locate a shirt that met his standards, he decided that we should get lunch and see a movie since I could get in for free. (working at a theatre has it’s perks.)

He dropped me off that night and called me once he got home. We made small talk for a while before he divulged his true feelings for me. “I think you’re a really special girl. And when I see someone special like you, I have to go for it. I hope I don’t scare you away. I really like you.”

I was confused. I knew I thought he was weird, but all the attention he was giving me was throwing me off. I craved it. It had been a long time since I had been in a relationship and I was super lonely. So I went a long with it. “I like you too.”

The next day he picked me up to go to the diamond backs game. We met his friends at his house. They were late so he made me sit through a couple of his wrestling matches he had recorded from high school. Now I love me a good boxing match. But wrestling? It’s just gross to me. Grown men rolling around on the floor in tights? It’s just awkward in my opinion.

His mom came in around the fourth or so match that I had watched and made him turn it off. I was grateful to her. We talked for a while and it was discovered that her father worked with my grandfather on the fire department. I really enjoyed his mom’s company. She was super nice. About that time, Croc’s friends arrived.

I almost forgot to explain his name- he had a real name. But he went by “The Croc”. It was a wrestling nick name that he didn’t lose after high school for some reason.

Anyway, about that time, Croc’s friends arrived. They all had super cute dates with them and I felt instantly out of place. You see, Croc is friends with really awesome, super cool guys. Don’t ask me why, since he’s so weird. They honestly treat him like a brother that they have to take with them. But they’re incredibly loyal to him. It threw me for a loop.

We drove down to the light rail and rode it to Chase field. I have this hidden talent. Or maybe it’s a gift. I don’t know. But when ever I go to a Diamond Back’s game, they always win. Guaranteed.

So we got to the game and Croc pulled out his camera. He started taking random shots of me. I was thrown off by this. Eventually I got a hold of his camera and deleted all the pictures. We took some more posed pictures together then we settled down to watch the game. The boys were all lame and decided that we needed to leave before the game was over because they were losing. I told them to stick around and that we would win. They said there was no way. So we left.

On the way home on the light rail, a guy got really excited and told us that the diamond backs had just won the game with an amazing home run while the bases were loaded. I’m amazing. I know.

We all went back to Croc’s house and everyone dispersed for home. Croc took me inside where he tried to get me to stay and watch a movie. By this time, I was weirded out by him and I just wanted to go home.  We were sitting at his breakfast bar talking when he said, “Chelsy… I went to the temple with you in mind.” For those of you that aren’t LDS, that basically means he wants to marry me. I looked at him kind of confused and he continued on. “I prayed about you and for you.”

Before he could ask me to marry him, I said, “Oh that’s really nice. Thanks.” He went on about how special I was and how lucky he was to get to spend time with me. It was really nice, but it just put a weird feeling in my stomach. Then he said, “Is there anything I can do for you?” What was he expecting me to say? Yes Croc! Kiss me now! I don’t know. So I just said, “I think I’m good, thanks.” He laughed, turned away from me and said, “Ouch.” I was confused and tired so I asked him if he would take me home.

The ride home was awkward. He wasn’t talking as much as he usually did. He looked nervous. He was making me nervous. Finally we got to my house. He got out and walked around to the front of the truck. I followed him. He turned away from me and sighed. His behavior was really odd. I wish you had been there to see it. Finally he faced me. “Chelsy, I really like you. Will you… please… *mumble mumble*” I told him I couldn’t hear him and asked him to speak up. “Will you please be my girlfriend?” He laughed awkwardly, swallowed nervously, and looked at me like a puppy would while begging for a strip of bacon.

I don’t know what I felt… I just knew that I had to say something. “I… I will.” I stuttered. His face lit up. “You will?!” and hear it is. The kiss to end all kisses. It literally made me never want to kiss anyone ever again. He grabbed me around my shoulders so that my arms were pinned to my sides and smashed his face up against mine. He kind of drooled on me before pulling back and sighing in my face. I leaned back a bit instinctually and he let me go. He grabbed my hand possessively and walked me to my door where, to my horror, he kissed me again. I turned around instantly, said goodnight and walked inside.

I felt sick to my stomach. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t like him. I needed to break up with him.

So the next night, I called him and had him come over. We sat outside my house and I explained to him that I had prayed about it and it just made me feel sick to think about it. He stopped me. “I make you feel sick?!” Okay maybe that was the wrong way to put it. I explained to him that it was the way I knew if something was right or not. And It just wasn’t right. He picked up a scooter that had been left in the drive way and started ridding around in circles not making eye contact.

“So you’re saying you don’t want to be with me.” He looked so dejected. I felt really bad, but I didn’t like him. We just weren’t compatible. That’s something that’s always really weird to me. How could one person be so into another person and the other person feels nothing for them in return? Love/like/infatuation has never made any sense to me.

I butt dialed him once. I got an excited call back from him immediately after. I explained what happened and he hung up sounding disappointed.

The only other contact I had with him was when he and a couple of his friends came to the institute class I attended. They sat down and once he saw me, he whispered something to his friend about me. He continued to stare at me for the remainder of the lesson and they never came back after that.

He got married a couple months ago. Every once in a while, his pictures will show up in my live feed and I’ll look at them. He and his new wife are perfect for each other. He takes weird pictures of her doing random things all the time. I think to myself, wow. That could be me. Thank goodness it’s not.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that there’s a reason for dating. You find out what you like and what you don’t like. You find out who you want to marry. You also find out a lot about yourself and what makes you you. I love dating. I look forward to doing it a lot more in the future.  

Tyler

Tyler. He was another one of the popular boys back in elementary school. He was like 5’7” and shaving in fourth grade. He’s the reason I read the Harry Potter books.

You see, growing up, I wasn’t normal. I sometimes wouldn’t do things because everyone else was doing them. But even that I did because my sister did it. I was a sheep. I had no opinions of my own and I sought approval from everyone around me.

Since Tyler was a popular guy, he naturally had a lot of influence over me. We sat next to each other for a while in fourth grade. He was reading the Fourth Harry Potter book. I remember asking him why he read that. He said it was a really great book series and that he had a choice between Harry Potter and the Dictionary. I asked why he would ever want to read the dictionary. He said that it helped him learn new words. He looked at me like I was crazy. Like everyone went home and read the dictionary. Did I mention that in addition to being a tremendous basketball player, Tyler is also incredibly intelligent?

So that night, I went home and read the dictionary. It was probably the most boring twenty minutes of my life let me just tell you. I didn’t understand how a person could ever retain words like that. Well, I desperately wanted to connect with him, so I decided that I would break down and read the Harry Potter books. I checked the first one out at the library and I was HOOKED.

To this day, I’m obsessed with Harry Potter. I read through the books about once a year and have the movies just about committed to memory. I grew up with the characters and they’re a part of me. I can thank Tyler for that.

I eventually forgot all about him, but like every other boy in my life, he showed up again at my high school. He actually started dating one of my friends and his little sister was in my acting class. We happened to meet up at a play his sister was in and we talked briefly. He called his girlfriend up that night and said that he totally remembered who I was and that in elementary school he had a big crush on me. He read her a journal entry he had written about me.

“Chelsy let me borrow her pencil today. I think I’m in love.” The thought that anyone would ever like me in elementary school was mind blowing. Especially Tyler. It’s another one of those times when I think that maybe I’m just far too self conscious. Maybe the person that I am isn’t so bad and I should just learn to love myself. Easier said than done, but I think it will sink in eventually. 

Damien

Oh Damien. This is a fun story to remember, I’ll tell you that much. 9^th grade. I finally felt like I fit in somewhere. I had new friends, a new step mom, what I thought was a new, better, me!

I remember being so super excited because I had developed a crush on a new guy. He was SO smart, SO funny, and to top it all off, SO popular. I thought he was attainable.

I remember vividly the day I decided that I would finally confide my crush in my new best friend, Kelsey. On my way to Biology, I had passed Damien in the hall. He stuck his hand out for a high five. I returned it, but instead of just a handclap, he grabbed my hand and kind of pulled around so we were facing each other again. He didn’t let go of my hand for a couple seconds. We both laughed and continued on to our classes.

I was grateful for the movie that day, because I had a very long, very detailed note to write. The high five in the hall way made me so happy that I was able to ignore Matt throwing bits of paper and pencil shavings into my hair.

And so I dove into the note explaining in great, all be it, exaggerated, detail my run in with Damien. I expressed how magic the moment when our hands touched was and how I just knew that we would be together forever and get married and have six babies and live in a giant house with a boat and an elephant in the back yard… just ridiculousness. I knew I was being crazy, but it was all in fun. I knew she would understand that I was just completely and utterly twitterpated.

So I gave her the note as we were walking to our next class. I warned her to read it quickly, however, because he was in our next class. She told me I was being ridiculous and it wasn’t like he was going to take it or anything. Can you sense the foreshadowing?

When we got in the class room, Damien came over to talk to us. “Kelsey, what are you reading?” He asked half interested half not.

“Just a note, Damien. Go away.” She said keeping her attention focused on the note.

“Well… can I read it?” At this point I interjected and I so wish I had just kept my mouth closed.

“Ha! No. Definitely not.” Of course that sparked his interest.

“Why not? What do you have to hide from me?” He asked trying to sneak it from Kelsey’s hand.

“Damien. I’m serious. Don’t.” So then he had to have it. He snatched it from Kelsey’s hand. I gave it my best effort. I chased him all over the room pleading with him to give it back. So then he ventured somewhere he knew I could never follow. He ran out the door and into the boys’ bathroom. I knew I was doomed. I walked dejectedly back into the class room and took my seat. My friend asked me what happened and I just shook my head and sat down. Damien came back a couple minutes later, handed me my note and said, “I can’t read cursive.” And sat down. I knew he was lying. I was mortified.

A couple days later, my friend Summer came up to me at lunch. She explained that Damien had been talking about the note in her class. She said that he said he couldn’t read cursive but that he actually read everything. He just didn’t know what to say.

I was even more mortified that he was talking to people about it. I knew my days of coolness were over if they even ever really began… 

Matt

Boy number 12: Matt. He was your typical high school jock. Every girl had a crush on him. Literally every single girl. He was so handsome. He holds the record at Mountain View High School for most girls kissed in a week. (36) He was a pig, but a handsome pig.

We had English together in 8^th grade. I was the obnoxious girl that asked a lot of questions and yelled out what I thought were funny comments. I was sassy and, at times, a bit belligerent. I don’t remember much about him being in that class with me. I think that’s mostly because he was so far out of my league that I knew better than to try.

The next semester, however, I was walking down the hall way when he came up behind me. “Chelsy!” He said, “I miss you in English.” Completely surprised that he was talking to me, I stammered, “ See? I told you that you would.” And then I thought about it… no I hadn’t.. “Well I didn’t tell you but you do and I knew you would…”  I mumbled and rambled on unintelligently. “Yeah… well see you later.” He called as he jogged on to his next class. I blushed bright red. Matt had just talked to me! Me!

Christmas time came. Since my family was still suffering the loss of my mother a year previously, people were trying their hardest to “make our spirits light.” A couple days before Christmas I heard a knock at my door. I had just gotten out of the shower and was towel drying my hair when my brother knocked on my door. H e reported that there was someone there to see me. I freaked out a little bit. I wasn’t dressed, my hair was a wet mess, and someone was at the door for me. I grabbed the closest clothes I could find. A striped green and purple shirt and some Tinkerbell pajama pants. I looked in the mirror. I looked like a hobo, but I didn’t really care. I figured it was just one of my girl friends or something. I ran down stairs and opened the door. What was waiting for me was a huge group of carolers. They jumped right into a chorus of “We wish you a merry Christmas” followed by “Silent Night.” I was trying to hide myself behind the door, but then they wanted me to step out and talk to them. Then, horror of horrors, I saw Matt’s dad whisper in his ear. Matt made a face, but then his dad pushed him forward. He walked up to me awkwardly, side hugged me and said, “Hi, Chelsy.” And he did not look happy to do it. I was mortified. Not only did I look terrible, but his dad was making him talk to me and he obviously didn’t want to.

I figured there was no point to being embarrassed. Things like this would always happen to me and I needed to learn to accept it. Plus it wasn’t like Matt and I talked very much any way. I would get over it.

And then he was in my Biology class the next year. And not only that, I was paired up with him at my table. Awesome. I don’t know why but for some reason, Matt decided he wanted to make my life hell.

One day while doing our work, Matt said, “You’re never going to get married.” I argued that I would get married and why was that any of his business anyway? He looked at me for a long minute, laughed then turned to his friend and said, “Dude… she’s a butterface.” They laughed to themselves and I decided to ignore them. Then a girl at the table asked what a butterface was. Matt replied, “You know… everything’s hot but her face?” They laughed some more and the rest of the table joined in. “Do you want me to bring in a paper bag for you to wear over your face? You might be able to get married if you wear one of those. Although your husband might want to trade it in for a plastic one once you start talking.”

I took the abuse. I even laughed a long for a little bit. But rest assured, when I got home, I bawled my eyes out.

After seeing the way Matt and the rest of the table treated me, my Biology teacher decided it would be a good idea to move me. New seats were assigned the following week. That didn’t stop Matt, however. I was a sensitive soul and it upset me when small animals died. And those were my biology teacher’s favorite movies- the ones that showed small animals dying horrific deaths from the sharp teeth of one predator or another. I tried not to make a big deal about it, but when a lion sunk it’s huge talons into the tender flesh of a baby caribou, sometimes a small sob would escape my lips.

Of course Matt noticed. He would yell up to me from the back of the class, “Hey Chelsy, you know that 90% of penguins die from killer wale attacks every year.” And once when there was a particularly touching reunion between a baby cheetah and his mom: “Oh I’ve already seen this one. The mom dies in like two minutes and then the baby starves to death.” Just mean.

I laugh now. And part of me wonders if he picked on me so much because he had a slight crush on me. Not that either of us would have EVER done anything about it. He never would have admitted it. And even if he didn’t, it makes me feel better to think that he might have. 

Cameron

Cameron. He was kind of my knight in shining armor. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was in third grade. She fought a long, hard battle and five years later, passed away. I was half way through eighth grade. I met Cameron at the beginning of the semester. We sat next to each other in math. As if math wasn’t bad enough all ready, I had the most terrible teacher in the world. He was utter scum. When ever he would walk by me, he would massage my shoulder or flick my ear or touch me in some other inappropriate way. I hated him. Cameron didn’t like him very much either- no one did, but he took immense pleasure out of me being sassy with him. He would encourage me any way he could.

We became friends on myspace (ghetto!) and starting talking on instant messenger (ghetto-er!). We became best friends. I would talk to him about how my mom was dying and he would talk to me about the hell he was going through with his parents and we just connected. We shared our hopes and dreams and spilled our darkest secrets to one another. In math he would look me straight in the face and tell me he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He would put his hand on my leg under the desk and poke my side to make me squeal. We were cute and flirtatious and I liked him. A lot. He saved me when I didn’t have anyone else.

Then my mom died. He fell out of my life for a little while for some reason and that’s when Jesse entered. His best friend. Also one of my best friend’s boyfriends. I had a little crush on him. But he just thought of me as someone to complain to. He would send me poetry he wrote while cutting his wrists and suicide notes “just in case”. It terrified me.  I wanted to help him. I used to have a major savior complex where I wanted to save everyone. I couldn’t just leave him alone to his thoughts.

 I was really just reflecting my own needs. I didn’t want to be left alone. I needed some one to talk to. I knew what it felt like to be abandoned and I didn’t want anyone to ever feel that way. Not if I could help it. So I helped him as much as I could.

The night my mom died, I messaged Jesse and told him. He said he was sorry then said, “Hey… I know you’re sad and stuff… but can I come show you what I got Erika for Christmas?” I agreed because I thought he would come over, take me in his arms, and tell me everything would be alright. That was the only thing I needed. But I didn’t get it. I walked outside when he rang the door bell and he playfully hit my arm, showed me the necklace and walked on to Erika’s house. I didn’t need Jesse. I needed Cameron.

I got back on IM and saw that he was on. I typed him a long message about how much I missed him and how hard it was for me to go through this alone. He said he thought I liked someone else and that’s why he backed off. I told him that I liked him and I needed him. We talked for the rest of the night and rekindled our friendship.

A couple of months later, everything with my mom had pretty much blown over. I had stopped getting sympathetic looks from teachers, people stopped whispering about me as I walked by them in the halls… everything seemed to be going back to normal. Pretty much any mention of a maternal figure had dropped out of conversation as far as I was concerned. No one wanted to step on my toes or make me upset. I didn’t think it was necessary, I was actually handling things quite well, but I appreciated the sentiment.

I really was doing well- until my math teacher took it a little too far. I had bombed one of the math tests. I didn’t care anymore. I hated him, I hated the class, and no one really cared if I passed or failed anymore, so I figured I didn’t either as far as math was concerned. He passed out the tests and in front of the whole class room he said, “Chelsy, you got the lowest score of the class. What has gotten in to you? You are so smart. What would your mother think?” My eyes got wide and I was getting ready to either start swinging or crying I didn’t know which. But Cameron beat me to the punch. He jumped out of his chair, got right up in the teachers face and said, “How dare you. How dare you bring that up and embarrass her in front of the class.”

I don’t remember much after that. I remember Cameron got kicked out of class and my math teacher’s slimy apology afterward, but everything else is just a blur.

So you would think Cameron liked me, right? He stuck up for me, told me I was beautiful, we had fun. So on March 14^th, a month after Valentine’s Day, I sent him a message on myspace. I really think that all social networking sites should just be banned forever. People are way braver on those sites then they are in real life and it just gets them in trouble. But anyway, I sent him a message. I explained that I liked him and asked him to be my boyfriend. He replied that he talked to his mom about it, because she was really smart about those kinds of things, and they thought it would be best if we just stayed friends. He liked me, but he thought our relationship would be better as just friends.

I didn’t understand. Of course I acted like I did and like I didn’t even really care, but I was broken inside. After that, he had a new girlfriend every week and I hated every single one of them. I eventually got over it and put him from my mind.

Then sophomore year of high school, he turned up again like they all seem to do. We hugged awkwardly in the hall way, exchanged numbers, and texted for a while, but nothing really came from it. And I knew nothing would. By this time, he had a nasty neck beard, several morbid tattoos, and listened to death metal.

We were in the same English class my senior year. We had a good time, we laughed about everything and had inside jokes about the fact that I never shaved my legs and maybe I would if he would shave his face etc. He had a nasty skank of a girlfriend. I actually hit her car in the parking lot one time. They were both in the car at the time. I apologized profusely chalking it up to the fact that I had no depth perception. Once I caught her cheating on him with another guy at my movie theater, however, she was another thing we laughed at.

I’ll always love Cameron for the loyalty he showed me. I was never in love with him, but we shared an emotional connection that I’ll never forget. Like I said, he was my knight in shinning armor. He saved me when no one else would and I’ll always be grateful for that. 

Rob

Boy number 8: Robert. He was the kid who ate dirt. He was weird. His mom taught art masterpiece. But he was hilarious and made me laugh. I got made fun of for hanging around him. He had this really big friend named Taylor. They were the weirdest friends ever because Taylor was so tall and big and Rob was so short and little. Anyway, they were losers and I pretended to hang with the popular crowd so it was unacceptable to be friends with him.

But secretly, I had a crush on him.

The sixth grade science fair. We’ve already discussed this- I won first place. The entry I didn’t include had this little memory in it.

Rob and I were sat next to each other in the cafeteria where our projects were being displayed. Both our moms came through and oozed over us. I agreed to let Rob borrow my first place ribbon while his mom was there so that she would think he was smart. Not that it mattered. He kept stealing the ribbon regardless.

Once most of the parents had already come through and things had settled down, Rob and I had time to talk. He told me all about his dreams and aspirations. The number one goal on his list? He wanted to grow a mustache. He went on and on about how much more grown up people look with mustaches. At one point, he looked at me very seriously. He said, “Chelsy… do you like me?” I said, “As a friend?” and he said, “As more than friends?” I did! I wanted to shout it out to him! But then I caught Karli’s eye from across the room. I knew I couldn’t tell him I liked him as more than a friend. So instead I said, “Nope. We’re friends.” He got very upset after that and put his head down and covered his face with his arms. I felt really bad. I kept trying to make pathetic jokes to make him look back up at me, but he wouldn’t.

About this time, his mom came back through again. “Robert, I’m leaving.” She said, pushing the stroller that contained Rob’s young brother. He hugged his mom and sat back down next to me. I was glad to see that he was over his little pity party. I nudged him with my arm and pointed out a particularly fine mustache on Courtney Clementine’s father. Rob concluded that he wanted a thick, black bar bell mustache. Then he looked at me quizzically. He turned his head to the side, then leaned in really close to get a good look at my face. When he withdrew, he had a triumphant smile on his face. “You’ve got a bigger mustache then I do!” He said.

My eyes got wide. I looked down at the ground and didn’t talk for the rest of class. Rob and I never talked again.

That is until he came to my junior high. I was absolutely SHOCKED to see him. I ran to Summer, my elementary friend, and told her all about it. We concluded that I should write him a note. And a sad note it was. We were in eighth grade, I’m sure he had forgotten everything that had happened, yet I thought it would be a great idea to tell him all about how sorry I was and how I really did like him and I hoped we could put everything that happened in elementary school behind us. I gave him the note in front of his friends. He took it and gave me a weird look then walked away. I laughed it off and decided that he would write me back. He never did.

Eventually, we moved on to different high schools. I added him on facebook. He accepted the request, but when I went to post on his wall, he never responded. Later I found out he was dating Krissy Brinkerhoff one of the twins from my old elementary school. Small world.