Houston we have a problem

Have you ever done something so horrifically mortifying that you feel like it was a dream? No... not feel. Hope. you hope and pray to GOD that it was a dream? I did that not too long ago.

I know I'm an awkward, weird person. But I'm comfortable with my level of awkward/ weirdness. The was a level beyond me, like I don't even know how in the world I achieved this. It's really amazing, actually. 

So a while back, there was this guy named Houston. He started working at the movie theater and I had a crush on him. But I was smart and said, "No, Chelsy. Don't do it. you work with him." Plus, I didn't think he was interested. Let's see. I learned the lesson about not dating guys I work with and not dating guys that co-workers set me up with... That just leaves Lesson number 3: Don't date people you used to work with. My pool of fish is getting awfully small...

So a while after quitting the theater, I went to dinner with a good friend that still worked there. We got on the subject of Houston. Long story short, she told me he was actually planning on asking me out before I quit. Needless to say, I freaked out. I had been repressing my feelings for him for so long and to find out that he might have them in return? I was freaking out. So... I texted him that night.

I was getting a little sick and I was super tired. Anyone that knows me well knows that the two things that make me the weirdest are being tired and being sick. Put them together, and I turn into this... complete psycho. Like it's ridiculous. 

We start off with the normal stuff. he said something really funny about going to nursing school because he really likes giving people sponge baths. I laughed too hard and posted a status about it on facebook.... and then we get to the really bad part. 

"Can I tell you a secret without you getting weird?"

"I guess so..."

"Okay well get ready because this is coming from way out in left field. Like you won't be expecting it."

"Okay..."

and then I said THE STUPIDEST THING EVER. It was supposed to be funny. But it was the least funny thing I think I've ever said. And I've said some pretty un-funny things. I said, 

"I'm a lesbian." and then I waited in agony for him to reply. and it took him like four minutes... 

"Oh. That's cool." Oh my gosh. I internally face palmed. Do you know what the internal version of a face palm is? A brain skull. I brain skulled from the stupidity. 

"Hahaha I'm just kidding. But I did have a crush on you the whole time we worked together."

"Oh... that's cool." ... Oh Chelsy... what have you done, my friend? This was so awkward. I could feel my toes curling and my eyebrows squishing together. Maybe I'm the only person that does that when I feel awkward but it's an involuntary response that my body has. Like it's trying to protect itself from the awkwardness. It's kind of happening right now, actually, even just remembering this. 

"Haha yeah... so if you ever want to, you know... hang out or anything let me know! Cause I think you're a really cool guy."

"Yeah totally."

"Okay... just let me know when you're free."

and we never talked again.

I wish. 

Tonight, actually, I went to Harkins to pick some stuff up from a former co-worker. I chatted things up with a group of managers and team members. Houston was somehow brought up and I said, "Remember how that one time I was trying to tell Houston I liked him, but I told him I was a lesbian instead? and then Miss Hayley said, "Remember how that one time he told me about that?" and then T-rez (I really hope she reads this so she sees her awesome nickname) said, "Remember how he told me about that too?" I wanted to die. It was ridiculous.

and we never spoke about it again.

I wish.

A couple minutes later, who should come sauntering up? But Houston. and of course the T-rez and Hayley call him over just because awkward things are so funny. so he walks up and the look on his face. oh my goodness. You could just tell that the last thing he wanted to do was walk up and talk to me. So he says something and T-rez told him he was  a liar and I said, "Yeah, Houston! You're the biggest liar ever! Remember when you told these guys that I said I was a lesbian? What? Where did that come from? Lesbians." Super funny? right? wrong. Not funny. Of course my girls backed me up with some laughter. But he looked like he wanted to die. "Yeah... I'm going on break." He said before walking away. 

And we never talked again.

I wish

The story just keeps going. It's like a horrible nightmare that never ends. 

I ended up texting him because I can't stand the idea of people not liking me. so I said, "I am so sorry! hahaha I know you think I'm super weird. and I should just leave it alone, but I feel bad. haha" ugh my toes are curling again. This is awful. I sent him another text right after that said, "I don't know how to fix this. haha" Because I don't. and I can't. The only way to fix it is to build a time machine and go back and never say anything to him ever. 

But everything happens for a reason. It's not meant to be. and If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had such a lovely conversation with Hayley, T-rez and Riri. So life is good. 

Moral of this story... Take my phone away if I'm feeling remotely sleepy or sniffle-y. and For the love of Gravy, if I'm feeling a combination of the two, save yourself the trouble and throw it in the pool. 

Bests and Worsts of 2011

As the year is coming to an end, I’ve been reminiscing a lot about the year and some of the best and worst times. It’s been a difficult task because I’ve trained myself to forget about painful experiences just after I’ve told all my friends, family, and random strangers that I could…

But I’ve taken the time to sit back and list a bunch of bests and worsts. Here they are.

Best idea: starting this blog. It’s been really fun for me to write out all my angst and it even helps me to forgive those jerks.

Worst idea: joining E-harmony. Seriously, unless you’re 36 and living with a bunch of cats, this website is not for you. Stop being lazy, put on your best outfit- wear it 9 days in a row if you want to as long as the same people don’t see you in it, and get dates!! Just be confident in who you are and have a good sense of humor and guys will come flocking to you.

Biggest disappointment: That the above didn’t work.

Biggest achievement:  Learning to be the bigger person. No seriously, I gained thirty pounds.

Best goal I accomplished: Getting a new job and quitting Harkins.

Goal I didn’t accomplish: The above job wasn’t marriage.

Best date: There’s still twenty more days to have a good one…

Worst date: “You need to lose weight” need I say more?

Best kiss: pouring rain under a blanket in front of a fire. No, it really happened.

Worst kiss: Too much slobber.

Best “first”: Acting in a college play.

Worst “first”: Spitting in someone’s face for said play.

Best moment: Watching Harry at midnight with good friends.

Worst moment: Realizing that I would never read another series as good as Harry Potter.

Next year: I look forward to a lot of good things next year. Unlike last year, I’m not going to expect to be married or have kids or even be engaged or dating anyone. Next year is all about bettering myself and becoming who I want to be. And I’m starting today. Yeah, I only went to sacrament meeting today and I got Wendy’s afterwards, but baby steps. I’ll get there. We all will. So this is my recommitment to me. I’m going to get through this and ever so slowly, my unattainable ideas may just turn into attainable ones. Thanks for reading, everyone. 

Jeff

I guess I can tell you about Jeff. I’m really relying on you guys not to judge me. I’ve done some really stupid stuff, but I think we all have at one time or another. So here’s the story of Jeff.

My senior year of high school, I got super sick. I felt gross all the time. I never wore makeup, stuck my hair in a messy bun and sweats were a staple in my wardrobe. I would sometimes venture out of the house to go to the grocery store or get gas. On one of these occasions, I met Jeff.

He was the gas station guy at Fry’s. He obviously loved his job. He was always walking around talking to people and laughing and smiling at them. He was real big on high fives and handshakes. For all the men and old people, it was a handshake. For all the women and children, it was a high five. He was a nice guy.

I was attracted to him from the moment I saw him. He was a little on the short side, but taller than me. He was physically fit and wore square rimmed glasses. He was a hipster before it was cool. I know the way I’m describing him, it sounds like he was somewhere around 18-21. Nah. He was 32. Just twice my age at the time. No big deal…

The first time we met was one of those nights where I decided to venture out of the house with my good friend Daniela. She started getting gas and I sat in the car with the door open. And that’s when I saw Jeff. He walked right up to us and said, “Hello Ladies! How are you doing tonight?”

We both smiled- Daniela did her awkward This-guy-is-a-weirdo-get-me-out-of-this-situation smile (Yes it’s a specific smile and I’ve seen it on many occasions) and turned back to pumping gas. I have a bad habit of being too friendly so I said hello and we struck up a conversation. He put his hand on the car and leaned in close to talk to me. He told me how beautiful he thought I was. I explained how ill I was and had been for the past several months and asked if he was usually attracted to pale, shaky girls with dark circles under their eyes and brittle hair that fell out at the lightest touch. He just laughed and told me my beauty couldn’t be dulled by even that. And I was hooked.

I started going to that gas station whenever I needed gas. Even if I didn’t really need gas but wanted to pretend to get some. And I always got dressed up. I would throw on my cutest outfit and attempt to style my hair so that I could cover up the bald spots. Whenever I came over the first words out of his mouth were always, “Hello beautiful!” I loved the attention. I was beginning to get addicted to it. I decided that I would take it to the next level.

The next time I went to get gas, I took my wing woman Deven with me. If you remember, Deven is the girl that I get in the most trouble with. We always manage to do something stupid when we’re together. I didn’t know just how stupid this was until after it all played out…

When we got there, I handed Deven my gas money and a crumpled receipt from walmart with my digits on it. (Did saying digits make me sound cooler? Cause in my mind, I sounded like a high male college freshman.) She walked it up to him and explained that it was from me. About a minute later, as I was trying to get my shaky hands to fit the nozel in my car, Jeff came striding over.

“You beautiful sweet heart. Was that number from you?”

“Ha yeah.” I laughed, getting embarrassed.

“I am so flattered. Thank you so much!” and then he kissed me on the cheek. I was dazed for a second. “You come back soon now and see me, okay?”

“hmhmhmkay” I smiled goofily.

When we got home and I was done freaking out, Deven and I were sitting on our beds discussing what had happened when I got a phone call from an unknown number. I answered and it was Jeff on the other end.

“Chelsy, baby, It’s Jeff. Listen. I am so flattered that you gave me your number, but sweetheart, I’m married.”

“You’re married?!?! Oh my goodness I am so sorry! Forget I even gave you my number. How embarrassing. I’m sorry!”

“Baby, baby, baby. It’s fine. Really. I’m flattered. Don’t be embarrassed. We can still be friends, right?”

“No, of course we can!” Yeah. An 18 year old girl can be friends with a 32 year old married man, right? Wrong. So very, very wrong.

We talked for a couple more minutes before hanging up. Deven and I died laughing as soon as I was off the phone. A couple minutes later, I got a text from him. He asked for a picture, so I sent him one thinking, “Yeah. It’s just for his caller ID. No big deal, right? Wrong. Big deal. Don’t give married men pictures.   About 12 minutes later, he texted me again for a “sexy picture showing a little more skin” I wrote the word “sexy” on my arm in green marker and took a picture of it. He acted like he thought it was funny, but I know what he was really thinking.

The next day, Deven and I got all dressed up to go “job hunting” we really just got dressed up to go get gas. We stopped inside Fry’s first to get a couple things.  When we were in the checkout line when I asked the cashier, “Do you know if Jeff is here today?” She looked me up and down and said, “Yeah. He’s here. Are you his wife?” “Uhm… no. Just a… friend.” I said tripping over my words. And then I got that look… The look I hope none of you ever receive. I got the You’re-a-dirty-ho-that’s-trying-to-break-up-a-marriage look. I felt awful. And I was about to feel more awful.

As soon as I got out of my car to start getting gas, Jeff walked right up to me, grabbed my face and kissed me full on the lips. I was dazed. I didn’t know what to do. I had always dreamed of being kissed like that- Just to be taken in someone’s arms and kissed spontaneously… but he was married. Married. Cheating is not an okay thing and that was what I was doing. I was having an affair with a married man kind of. My palms were getting sweaty. I didn’t like what I was feeling at all. He pecked my cheek and told me he would be over as soon as he helped out a couple people.

I sat on the trunk of my car and crossed my legs. I looked at Deven she looked back at me. She smiled mischeiviously and gave me the thumbs up. I shook my head and pointed at my left ring finger. Married, remember? She waved that little fact off. But I couldn’t. I felt tortured inside. True to his word, Jeff came back before my car was done filling up. He uncrossed my legs and moved in between them to kiss me one more time on the face. We talked for a minute because I still didn’t know what to do. 

As soon as I got home, I sent him a text that said, “Listen, I really like you, but I’m not going to help you cheat on your wife.” Not the best choice of words, but it was the truth. He replied,

“Baby baby baby if that’s what you think was going on here, that’s not it at all. We’re just friendly friends giving friendly kisses.”  Yeah. I make out with all my friends. It’s totally normal. Right.

So I said, “That can be what you think this is, but I am not comfortable with this at all”

And that was kind of the end of that. I didn’t really talk to him anymore and I started going back to AMPM for my gas. It was out of the way, but it was cheaper. And since I’m not into super old Indian men with long, white beards and turbans, I think it’s safe to say I wasn’t giving my number out to any married gas station workers.

I know what you’re thinking. Wow, Chelsy. How can you have no respect for the most sacred thing in the universe? You’re an awful person.  I thought the same thing for a long time. But I’m not like that anymore. I’ve learned my lesson and I’m not going down that road again. And once again, while I’m not proud of it, I don’t regret it because I learned a valuable lesson from it. So that’s the story of Jeff.