Garrison and Tim

Boys number 6 and 7: Garrison and Tim. Our interaction began in elementary school. Garrison had those glasses that turned to sunglasses in the sun. I was embarrassed for him. And then my mom made me get the same ones. I was embarrassed for me. Turns out I had more things to be embarrassed about. Like the fact I only showered once a week and had hair that was constantly sticking up in one way or another. 3^rd grade was a rough year. I got it in my head that I wanted to donate my hair to locks of love. So they cut it off and it hung just about to my cheek bones. I cry whenever I get my hair cut because I’m secretly afraid that I will look like that again.

Anyway, Garrison, Tim and I were best friends. We did everything together. We played on the swings, the jungle gym, we even ate lunch together. I was so happy that I finally had friends! Back in third grade I thought I was a writer. I seriously thought I was a child prodigy. I would write stories and read them in front of the class. They were about Garrison, Tim, and me and our adventures with socks. That’s right, socks. I was obsessed with them for some reason and I thought I was hilarious. Tim was a cool kid and I embarrassed him when I included him in my stories. He told Garrison that if he kept playing with me, they wouldn’t be friends anymore.

Garrison was loyal to me for a while, but eventually he couldn’t take the exile and he started ignoring me. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t want to play with me, so I followed them everywhere like a lost puppy. Then one day, I said hi to Garrison on the bus and he said, “Don’t talk to me. We aren’t friends.” I rode the rest of the way home in tears.

Three long years passed before we really talked again. I was in sixth grade. I was hot stuff. I had finally earned my right to sit at the back of the bus. Granted I had to wait till the stop before my stop to sit there… but regardless, I was there. Garrett moved down to sit by me. We exchanged awkward conversation about how it was the last day of 6^th grade and how our lives were about to change forever and all the good times we had. Then he got off the bus and it was all over.  I went home happy that he didn’t hate me anymore.

A couple more years passed before we were really in each other’s lives again. It was ninth grade. I had joined choir a year before and I was finally in the mixed ensemble. It was very exciting because I got to be with BOYS. I loved boys. I was the boy craziest person out there. It was the night before we were about to leave for Flagstaff for a big festival. And it just so happened that it was the midnight premier of Spider man three. I begged and begged and begged my dad to let me go since I could sleep on the bus ride to Flagstaff. He finally relented and agreed to let me go.

I arrived at the theatre with my step siblings. We were just settling into our seats when I heard some one call my name. I turned around and saw a big group of choir kids. Not just choir kids- choir BOYS. I was really excited that they had called me up there because I was so used to being the nerd that no one wanted to hang out with. So I ran up the stairs and sat by them. We chatted for a while and then Garrison said, “Why don’t you sit by me?” So I moved over a few seats and we chatted it up. Then the movie started. He kept leaning over and putting his hand over my hands, which were folded in my lap to tell me “interesting facts” about the movie. He would leave his hand over mine for a little longer every time. So finally I said, “Garrison, if you want to hold my hand, just do it.” And so he took my hand.

I had never done this before. I was sure he could feel me shaking. I felt like my whole body was convulsing. I had never been so nervous in my whole life. I remember being annoyed because he wasn’t just holding my hand. He was tickling my palm with his fingers and expecting me to do the same. But I didn’t like it. I just wanted to hold his hand.  This went on through the whole movie. As soon as the lights went up, He dropped my hand and exited the theatre with his brother. No farewell of any kind.

I went to bed confused and so full of hormones that it was hard to sleep. The next day I woke up early and did my hair and make up as cute as I knew how and left the house. We were directed onto the bus when we first arrived. When I walked on, I could tell that Garrison had not arrived yet. I sat in my seat at the window and waited for him to arrive. And then I saw him.

I have never been able to describe the feeling I get when there’s a new boy. It’s like a shooting… feeling down my spine. It’s not painful, but I definitely don’t enjoy it. It’s like that feeling you get on a roller coaster when you go down a big drop. I can’t explain it… but maybe you get what I’m talking about.

He arrived at the school with his friends and they looked ridiculous. They were wearing neon sophies and sweat bands. Garrison’s happened to be pink. I shook my head and smiled at him when he got on the bus. He mostly ignored me and walked to his place at the back of the bus. Where the cool kids sit. Where I still wasn’t sitting.

The trip commenced. I was telling anyone who would listen about my experience with Garrison. I was telling them how confused I was and how I didn’t even think I liked him. They all told me to give him a chance. So I decided I wouldn’t break up with him right away.

When we got to the school, he held my hand in a very discrete way so that no one could see. I was quite frankly offended that he thought he had to be so secretive. But he made up for it when we got on the bus. He said, “Why don’t you sit with me at the back of the bus.” I thought like the coolest kid in the world. I was getting to sit at the back of the bus! He held my hand and we walked together in front of all our junior high class mates. I smiled at people like a celebrity and took my seat with the VIPs.

We cuddled all the way home. A girl looked over at us and said, “Are you guys like a couple or something?” Garrison looked at me and I at him and he said, “Yup!” She replied “Awe! That’s so cute!” Garrison just smiled and nuzzled me with his nose. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. A couple? When did this happen? Why was I not told? And then he made the unforgivable mistake. He stuck his hand in the pocket of my sweater and started rubbing my stomach. Who does that? I’m not the Pillsbury dough boy. I was self conscious and I didn’t want him to see how fat I was. I removed his hand and told him not to touch my stomach. I didn’t want him to touch me at all anymore. All the good feelings were gone and I was reminded of the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him. No matter how much I wanted a relationship, I knew I couldn’t be in one with a boy I wasn’t attracted to.

I went home and thought about him the whole weekend. I knew I had to break up with him. I just didn’t know how. I finally decided that a note would be sufficient. It was short and sweet. “Garrison- I think we should break up. Love, Chelsy.” Yup. That’s what it said. I think I drew a picture at the bottom of a heart breaking in half. At school he greeted me with a “Hey, you.” I handed him the note and walked away. And that was pretty much the last contact we’ve had. Poor Garrison. I was such a heart breaker.

But now back to Tim. You’d almost forgotten about him, hadn’t you? Well there’s not much to report on him. He just ended up moving to my high school junior year. I flirted with him for a while, but after a couple months, it was obvious he was gay. So I left that one alone. 

Diary entries

These are just a few diary entries from over the years that can help you get an idea of what growing up being me was like… Literally the only thing I’ve changed is the spelling and the only reason I did that was so that you can actually read it…

September 13, 2000

Dear journal, I have had the worst day of my life. There was a scorpion on the bus and another bus had to pick us up and we were 15:00 mins late. I got a tardy slip while my other friend didn’t. (Garrison) I was so mad! I almost turned red! And then my throat hurt and then I had to chase a boy and a boy chased me and I got red! And then this boy had to hit me and it hurt and then instead of not having to clean my room my mom said that I had to! And I had to pick up my brother from his friend’s house and he wouldn’t listen to me and I was turning into a driveway and bumped into a tree and hurt myself real bad! And it was all on my B-day!

Poor me. Throw some lima beans in there and this is Alexander and the terrible horrible no good very bad day status. What a drama queen. Don’t worry, I’ve since had much harder days. Like just last Tuesday, there were two scorpions on the bus and a boy pulled my pig tail.

2/28/2001

Dear dia journal,

Today I had so much fun! We were running and I said, “When it rains the wackos come out!” and we ran around yelling that. Then to spoil all our fun, Rebecca came out and (copied my idea) said, “When it rains, the psychos come out!” I said, “Excuse me, it is ‘when it rains the wackos come out.” Then she said, “No. This is our modo. ‘All for one and good for psycho!” So it went. I got left and she won. Well, that was my day. Bye! By: Chelsy

Aaaaand… face palm.

3/25/01

Dear dia journal,

Today I kind of messed up. Me and Mandy (my sister) made a bet that my mom did blow out the candle and of course, she did and I had to clean the kitchen. Bye.

I sincerely hope my writing skills have improved. And my gambling skills.

3/25/01

Introducing

Hi it’s me Chelsy again. My mom (Lynn) is cool. My dad (Ken) is cool. Mandy is cool, Alex is cool and freckles, Binkey, and Gilligan are cool. Bye

I was cool.

6/14/01

Dear Journal,

Today I am going to a little softball game. It’s not any big one. It’s just a primary activity. I had to wake up at 5:15 this morning but that’s okay. Well, gotta go. Bye.

Thank you so much, little me, for clearing up that fact. I almost got this confused with that time I played for the all star team.

1/10/02

Dear Journal,

I haven’t been writing like I am supposed to. Well two days before my birthday, a terrible thing happened. September 11, 2001, the saddest day of my life, two airplanes crashed into the world trade centers. Thousands No, scratch that, millions of people died in the planes and in the buildings. And it was all done my Asodan Bin Lodan. A terrible day for me and most every one else. On my birthday, there was another dead scorpion on the bus.

Wow… I’m so glad my facts were so accurate. You always hear people ask where you were on September 11^th. It really is something you never forget. I remember I was getting ready for school while listening to Beth and Bill in the morning. Beth got on the air with her beautiful, friendly news casting voice and told me all about the terrible event that had just taken place. I rushed downstairs and flew into the bathroom where my mom was tirelessly teasing her bleach blonde tresses while simultaneously applying another coat of polish to her inch long finger nails. I explained the story in a hurry, the words getting jumbled and hard to understand as a result of my panic and asthma. She turned the TV on and we watched in horror with the rest of the world as another plane collided with the second tower. Another unattainable idea? Peace.

2/25/03

I am going to clean up my act. I am going to get in shape. I am going to stop lying. I am going to have no enemies. I am going to read my scriptures and write in my journal every night. I am going to clean my room and keep it clean! I am setting a goal not to get grounded for a month or two months and so on. Surprise Karli with how strong I get. Okay, now on to my day. When I went to sleep last night, I did not feel good. I woke up, didn’t feel too hot either. But as the day went on, I felt better.

Like a page later, I describe in great detail, how I got grounded for lying about not having my room clean. Good goal keeping.

5/16/04

I’m kind of scared because I gave who I think is Emma Watson my address. Summer says it’s probably an old man gonna come and kill me. I’m being sent an autographed book.

Yeah… no big deal… Well we can look at this glass half full or glass half empty. The half full side, I didn’t get killed by an old man. The half empty side, I never got my autographed copy of Harry Potter.

5/18/04

Today has been so hard! I got up at 5:30 to take a shower. I went to school. When I came home, I remembered my science project. I worked on that till 8:30. I was crying most of the time. After that, I remembered home work. Then I went to bed. After that, I got up right away at 9:20 to write in you. Now I’m going to bed till 4:30. NO interferences! Good night!

I can’t believe I was up until 9:20 PM. My life was so hard. Although I don’t think I could get up that early now if I tried.

5/20/04

My science project is looking okay. I don’t expect to place though.

5/21/04

Yesterday was great! I won first place in the science fair.

So I bet you’re getting tired of all these unattainable ideas. An attainable idea? Winning. That’s right. I, Chelsy Lynn Ellsworth, won the 6^th grade Science fair. Suck on that, size two party girls!

11/2/04

The elections are today! Bush and Kerry. Bush is ahead by a little bit. I really hope he wins. I’m in junior high. All my teachers except one are totally cool. Kinda.

11/4/04

Bush won! I’m so happy! Me and Mikella have been talking about the end of the world. They say George Bush’s nephew will run against Hillary Clinton. She will win and things will start getting really, really bad from there. In George Bush’s 3^rd year of office in his 2^nd term, things will start getting bad. I’m kinda scared but that’s okay.

Don’t judge me. I come from a very conservative family. I have since formed my own opinions on politics and… okay let’s face it. I believe who ever is on the TV at the time. And don’t ask me where I learned my future telling skills from. I don’t even know where half of that information came from…

2/26/05

My English teacher is a beep! She almost made me cry. I had a question and she said, “You know what?” I’m going to limit you to a few questions a day.” I had my hand raised for like a bagillion years, but she would not call on me. So this kid walked up to her with his question and she answered him. So I decided to go up and ask mine and she said, “You know what? This isn’t 2^nd grade! Go sit in your seat and raise your hand like everyone else!” (Does that not include ‘Perfect Preston’?) She never ended up answering me.

I’m not sure what a beep is… I remember this day. After class I went up to her and apologized and pulled the cancer card. That’s right. I blamed my immature behavior on my mother’s cancerous condition. I made her cry. Even then I was a good actress. You have to make cancer work in your favor, you know?

3/2/05

Hey

Mom’s been having seizures. I think. They haven’t told me, but there’s a piece of paper that says “Lynn’s seizure chart” on the counter. I hate when they don’t tell me stuff. I also hate when they do tell me stuff. Well Dustin’s been cutting. That’s 3 of my friends now. I’ve been mean to him. I feel like it’s partly my fault. Tomorrow, I’m going to go up to him, look at his wrists and tell him I’m sorry. OMG! Why is my life so screwed up? Erin, Megan, and Brad say nobody likes me and they hate sitting by me. Mr. Cook doesn’t like me either.

It’s times like these that I wish I could go back in time and say, “No, Chelsy. Dustin doesn’t even really care that you exist. He cuts his wrists because that’s the cool thing to do right now.” And how sad is that? I came across this a little while ago and I couldn’t believe that it was real. They were really mean kids though. And I was really super obnoxious. But who’s laughing now?? I have a super hilarious book and they have super awesome lives with super awesome boyfriends… okay. They’re still laughing.

3/14/05

Megan is such a ____! I don’t even know what to call her! She was sitting to the right of me in Social studies when Mr. Cook said that the person on the right needed to go get the SS books for the two people. She said, “Chelsy, go get the books.” I said, “Megan, you’re to the right, just go get them.” She said, “No, I don’t want to. You get them.” So what could I do? I got up and got my own book. Then she said, “Where’s mine?” I said, “Go get your own, Princess.” That made her mad and she went, “Uhhh?” and got up got her book and didn’t speak to me again. I feel kind of bad now…

One of my proudest moments for sure. I was sick of taking her crap and I wasn’t going to let her walk all over me anymore.

Well now that you know what an extreme dork I was, I hope you understand my ultimate unattainable idea: acceptance. People like me learn to live out loud. We laugh at ourselves for the crazy predicaments we get ourselves into and then write a book on the subject. Look at the glass half full, people. At least you didn’t get killed by an old man today. 

Jack

“Power ranger’s make up!” That was what we chanted as we did the bunny hop down the driveway. Jack was another boy I was friends with growing up. My sister was best friends with his sister, so by default, Jack and I were friends. He was the kind of friend I felt comfortable enough around to completely be myself. He taught me the word “Fart”. (Such vulgar words were never allowed at my house. We used words like “Break wind” or “Pumps!” i.e.: Magan just Pumpsed!! Don’t even ask me where that last one came from…) Jack and I had lots of fun together. But there was nothing special there. We grew up and lost contact and I never really thought of him again.

Until I bought his cat… Her name was Ashley and she was 20 lbs. That’s a lot of cat… I went over to his house to pick her up with my mom and sister. He was fighting with his brother when we arrived and he walked out of the room mumbling about how embarrassed he was. And that was all the contact we’d had since our childhood.

My Junior year of high school I got an invitation to his sister’s wedding on facebook. We started chatting and she told me that Jack went to my high school. I was determined to find him. I looked him up on facebook and found out he was friends with Mark, one of my fellow trombone players. (I played for four years) I finally found the face that matched the boy on facebook.

“Hi!” I said walking up to him at his lunch table. He looked at me awkwardly wondering, I’m sure why some crazy girl was standing over him while he was attempting to eat his lunch.

“hi…”

“I’m the girl who bought your cat! Ashley…?”

“You’re name’s Ashley?”

“No… Ashley… your cat?”

“I’ve had a lot of cats. What’s your name?” I put my hands on my hips and started doing the bunny hop.

“You mean you don’t remember this? Power ranger’s make up!” He gave me the strangest look.

“No.” and got up and left. I was pretty much mortified. The next day on my way to one of my classes, I saw Jack and a bunch of his friends were walking to class. Mark, the boy I knew pointed at me and whispered something to his friend. They got in formation and started doing the bunny hop while shouting “Power ranger’s make up!” Jack shoved Mark and glared in my direction. I ducked my head and walked into class.
A typical movie moment. After re-living that one, I feel like shouting, “I’m not Josie Grosie anymore!” at the top of my lungs. I did eventually learn how to behave in social settings. But that’s another unattainable idea that girls like me can’t seem to grasp. Popularity. Maybe some day.

Jason

He burned ants alive with a magnifying glass, ripped off lady bug’s wings, and buried silk worms in my hair. He was the typical boy next door. I never thought of him as anything more than a best friend when we were kids, but thirteen years later, he’s a total hunk. Boy number four- Jason. 

We reconnected through facebook, of course. We really haven’t had much conversation. Well really any conversation… literally. I sent him a message when he first added me that was so full of  “omg”s and “haha”s that it was hard to see through to the actual message. You know what he sent back? Nothing. That’s right. Zilch. I attribute his lack of response to the fact that I’m not a size two party girl like the rest of his female friends. Not that I’m bitter or anything…

This brings me to another unattainable idea- the perfect body. I’ve gone on crash diets… and crazy work outs. And let me just tell you, I’ve never gotten results. It may be because I always, without fail, quit before the week is out… but that’s mostly due to my lack of results. I’ll share this excerpt of my journal with you:

Diets suck. especially those of the 500 calorie variety.

May 30th, 9:14

Current Mood:

hungry

 So yesterday at work apparently I looked really pale. All my managers kept asking me if I was okay. I replied that I was fine, just a little tired. I was working door so a chair was supplied for me to sit in while I ripped the tickets and directed people to their auditoriums. My floor manager, Mr. Steinbroner at the time, walked up to me and asked me why I was sitting. I knew I had to have a good excuse because I was really feeling like I was going to fall out of the chair and did NOT want to stand for the rest of the 9 hour shift. So I told him the truth. "I'm on a five hundred calorie diet and every time I stand up I feel like I'm going to fall over." He looked at me with this "you're really really stupid" expression on his face and then asked

"Why are you on a diet?" I was about to say because I'm fat...? but then there's that whole awkward exchange where they feel like they have to tell you you're not and blah blah blah so I said

"Why does anyone ever go on a diet?" and walked away to go do something or other. When I walked up to the main desk my other manager said 

"There we go! There's some color on your face." I said, 

"Yeah because I'm embarrassed!" because I had just talked to Mr. Steinbroner about my weight... and okay... I kind of have a crush on him. 

anyway... so then I walked back to the door podium and he came and stood next to me for a while then asked, "So what's your goal?"

I replied "Like 50 lbs. 40-50." 

He said "that's no good. That's not a good goal."

I said, "why not?"

he said, "It's not enough." 

I wanted to die. He was just kidding and he started laughing and told me I don't have 50 lbs. to lose. But still. you don't ask a girl how much she wants to lose. It was just an embarrassing experience. 

and I have a confession to make: yesterday, I ate taco bell. and not just a little bit. I'm talking three tacos and a Mexican pizza.

DIETINGSUCKSBIGTIME. 

So yes… now you can kind of see where my head is when it comes to dieting. Pointless. He’s one of the beautiful people of the world. I’ve always tried to imagine what it would be like to be one of them: a perfect body, perfect hair, symmetrical body parts…. But then reality sinks in and I remember that I am, in fact, a size twelve with a fifteen dollar hair cut and lopsided boobs.

I was trying to do a little research on Jason since I can’t remember much about our childhood, so I sent him a rather disjointed message:

“So I was driving by the old house yesterday and was remembering the weirdest stuff. haha tell me if you remember any of this. Alex had this electric jeep thing that we would all ride around in like all the time. and we always had irrigation that we would swim in. and do you remember my cat Gilligan? umm.... hahah one time you took my diary and wrote some weird stuff and wouldn't let me read it. You used to play tomb raider... I remember something about a butler being locked in a closet? you had a tire swing in your back yard that we used to push Christopher in all the time. and you had a turtle... right? and you would rip the wings off lady bugs. and make rollie pollies have babies... haha I just remember you being cruel to small insects basically. haha do you remember any of this?? sorry it's like word vomit all over the screen. Haha”

Like, totally!! Haha! This. This right here is a prime example of why boys run the other direction when I get anywhere near. He never did respond to it. But that’s okay. Like I’ve been saying a lot lately… “He’s just another chapter in the book!” I’d like one guy to prove me wrong… Just once. 

Michael

When I was in second grade I was a little… shall we say, promiscuous? I was a good girl, but every once in a while, I liked to do things that would shock people. I still do that. It’s not a lady like habit, but I can’t help it. I like attention. Anyway, there was a boy at school, Michael McClausen. He was the teacher’s pet. But how could he not be? His mom was the teacher.

One day we were walking to PE. Michael was complaining about how he would NEVER get kissed by a girl. Well… I was a flirt so I decided that I would kiss him. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. Michael turned toward me and looked at me with this shocked expression on his face and then turned BRIGHT RED. Because he was so embarrassed, I got embarrassed. Hayley, the girl following directly behind me in line looked at both of us and then started whispering to Krissy and Shelley- the twins. Krissy looked at me and then back to Michael and then back to me again. “No she didn’t.” she said looking in disbelief at Michael’s red face and my sheepish smile. “Chelsy wouldn’t do something like that… I bet she just got smooshed up in the line.” I immediately saw that as my escape from the humiliating situation and jumped on it.

“Of course I got smooshed in the line. I would NEVER kiss a boy. Gross.” And we all laughed with the exception of Michael who just faced forward and continued walking. Luckily for us, his mom didn’t see. If she had I would have been in big trouble. I do think he told her about it later however, because the next day at school we had a spelling test.

I hated spelling tests. I would study so hard, but I felt like I could never get any of the words right. Well this time I was confident. Tree. T-R-E-E. Spring. S-P-R-I-N-G. Oak. O-A-… umm… C? K? I couldn’t remember! But my teacher always said- “Go with your first instinct. It’s usually right.” So C it was. Oak. O-A-C. Wrong.

When she graded my paper, she took it up to the front of the class room and pinned in on the board. “This is a student’s spelling test that I want to make an example of. I’m not going to tell you whose it is, because we wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone, would we?” Just then a girl walked in late to class. She raised her eyebrows at the class and raised her hand like a conductor. The whole class yelled out a chorus of “Better late than not at all!” Sure she didn’t want to embarrass anyone… The girl, red faced, walked to her seat and sat down.

Even with my bad vision, I could see my name scrawled in uneven handwriting across the top. Everyone knew who’s paper it was. I sunk a little lower in my seat. “This student spelled oak O-A-C.” Who can tell me why that’s wrong?” a student in the front shot her hand up.

“It’s supposed to be O-A-K.” She parroted turning to me.

“Right.” Said Mrs. McClausen looking right at me. “O-A-K.” I was convinced she wanted to see me dead. Needless to say, I never kissed much less talked to Michael McClausen again.

Nathan

I’m sure you’re thinking, “There can’t be that many…” But let me just tell you… There are at least 60 guys that I will most likely be talking about and many more that I don’t feel like re-living.  After the mishap with David, I jumped right back on the horse with boy #2. Nathan. Now I thought Nathan was my one true love. He looked like Aladdin and that was enough for me. We would have “play dates” all the time. I thought we were actually on dates. There was another girl, Reagan, who would sometimes join us. I never felt threatened by her though, because I looked a lot more like Jasmine then she did. She was bright blonde with crazy light blue eyes. I had dark brown, long, wavy hair and dark blue eyes. So I wasn’t the picture of the Arabian princess… but I was a heck of a lot closer than Reagan was.

We were inseparable. Our moms were friends so we would go on outings together, holding hands in our matching car seats, waving at the flashing red hands on the crosswalks and staring at the cloud strewn sky. My life was perfect. He was tall, dark, and handsome. The picture perfect prince of my dreams.

We used to ride my tricycle together around my big back yard.  I would drive and he would sit behind me. One day, he reached around and kissed me on the cheek. I was shocked… I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered seeing an old movie where a beautiful girl struck a handsome young man for being too bold and kissing her. So naturally, I jumped off the bike and smacked him across the face. The momentum of my slap knocked him off the bike and he went tumbling onto the grass. My mom, who was gardening nearby looked up and asked what had happened. I told her the truth “Nathan kissed me, so I smacked him.” Nathan stood up and denied everything. I started crying because he HAD kissed me. And I liked it. But I wouldn’t let him know that. Nathan’s mom came and picked him up. I watched from the living room window as he pulled away in his mom’s big blue van. I exhaled longingly dreaming of a day when Nathan and I could share another kiss.

That day never came though. As the weeks went on, things went back to normal with Nathan and me. We went back to playing make believe and riding that tryc around the yard. But no more kisses. Then, one day, I received terrible news. “This will be the last time you play with Nathan,” my mom said as she drove me to his house. “He’s moving away to Utah.” She may as well have said Africa. I begged him to stay. He said he didn’t have a choice but that he didn’t want to go. We promised never to forget each other. I dreamed that night of watching him pull away from his house. I felt empty and forgotten. But I let his last words echo in my mind. “I won’t forget you.”

Years later, I started searching for him on facebook. I found one Nathan. I couldn’t see what he looked like from his profile picture so I added him and sent him a quick message. He replied that he wasn’t who I was looking for but that he would be glad to “chat” creeped out, I cancelled the friend request. He tried to add me again later.

When I finally found the real Nathan, I was so excited. He had the exact same grin he’d had when we were kids. I knew it was him. I knew we would reconnect through facebook and fall in love and get married. I was mortified to find out that he didn’t remember me. He promised to ask his mom about me, but he never replied after that. 

David

You hear the expression, “I liked him before I even liked boys.” For me, that statement is not accurate. I’ve always liked boys. When I was very little, I remember cuddling up on my mom’s bed sighing over BBC productions of old classics. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I was so jealous of girls like Elizabeth Bennet who were old enough to marry such romantic men. I was obsessed with couples and relationships. I always required an equal number of Barbie and Ken dolls because I never wanted anyone to be alone. (unless they were ugly in which case they were almost always naked or wearing the nasty baggy clothes I had inherited from the eighties.) This, of course, was before I had endured years of disappointment in the love department that turned me into a bitter cynic.

I don’t remember very much about my childhood, but I remember one thing vividly. I remember being in love with David. I would come home from church and spin around in a big circle letting my petticoat and dress fly out. I would sigh and fall to the floor looking lovingly at the ceiling and say “Oh David.” I would sigh once more and smile a silly grin. Of course I was made fun of by my sister and usually ended up crying, but I didn’t care. I just knew I loved David.

One day, I walked into the nursery with a beautiful, new dress and perfectly coiffed hair. I batted my eyelashes in David’s directions. He would normally stop whatever he was doing and toddle over to play with me, but today he ignored me. I was confused. This was definitely out of character for him. And then I saw her. Angela Brown was sitting on the other side of David ramming her truck into his. I was heart broken. I ran to the corner of the room and cried for the remainder of the hour. If only I’d known that this was the first of many rejections and heart breaks.